Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder
by Thinkingaboutnothing
Summary: The Cullens start attending McKinley. This is set at the beginning of Glee season three. In Twilight, this is post-Breaking Dawn, but I have not included Renesmee. I am writing as though Bella'a transformation went ahead as planned without the pregnancy.
1. Chapter 1

Finn jerked his head backwards, and his locker door skimmed his nose as it was slammed shut by a short overly-dramatic soprano.

"Eh...oh...hey, Rachel, listen I...uh,kinda need to get my books - "

"Finn, glee club is once again in need of your popularity and metaphorical clout."

"Metaphorical?..."

"Listen to me! The new kids. Have you seen them?" Rachel had no time to explain yet another word to her boyfriend.

"No, not yet. Can I get to my locker?"

"Well, I have seen them. They're gorgeous. They look like a gang of invading supermodels. We need them in glee club. They'll be just the front we need for Sectionals."

She turned to walk away, but Finn stopped her. He had thought of something to say, and it was quite relevant if he said so himself. He was proud of himself.

" Can they sing?"

" I don't know. But I think so. I know a fellow artiste when I see one. There are six of them, Finn, at least one must have some talent."

Finn had been left behind by the conversation once again. " Artiste? Rachel, I'm failing Spanish."

Rachel was monologuing. " Although, the short one makes me nervous. I hate it when people are shorter than me, it's just not natural. Ever since Sunshine...Anyway! You need to convince them to audition for New Directions. Tell them all the cool kids do it, that they'll never have a life at this school if they don't, whatever."

She went to leave again, but Finn had one last point to make.

"Rachel...wouldn't that be lying?"

She cast him a disparaging look, which she quickly amended to puppy eyes.

"Finn, don't you love me?"

He looked horrified at being put on the spot. She changed tactics.

"Let me make this clearer. Do you ever want to touch my boobs again?"

Wih that, the bell rang, and Rachel scampered off down the hallway with Finn staring after her in defeat.

*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *

The Cullens had chosen a table isolated from the rest of the cafeteria to set up camp, and were holding a conversation at vampire speed.

"I'm telling you, this school isn't normal." Edward was saying. "We need to get out of here. I've been reading their minds all day, and there's something wrong with everyone. This is worse than the time you locked me in a mental institution overnight as a prank. There's this one kid, Jacob Ben Israel, and his thoughts...I can't take this, I'm cracking up, help me Bella..."

He laid his head in the table and Bella started stroking his hair. The rest of the Cullens broke into a barrage of opinions on Edward's news.

"They seemed normal, well, except what that short, annoying girl was wearing - "

" - he was wearing a one-of-a-kind Marc Jacobs jacket, it was so beautiful, and then just, slushied! It was a travesty! I'm with Edward, we can't stay here, we can't risk my clothes - "

"Their emotions are all out of wack. I sat next to this cheerleader - I think her name was Brittany? - last class, and I started picking up on her emotions...I've never been so confused in my immortal life. I keep forgetting what gender I am, I have to go to the restroom and check..."

"TMI, Jasper! But, this short,annoying human - I'm nearly ninety-seven, and I don't dress that much like a granny!"

"There was a woman in a red track suit storming the hallways. I've never been afraid of a human before, but I wanted to curl up and hide. I kept having flashbacks to my encounter woh the grizzly."

" Never fear, Emmett, I'm still a newborn, I will protect you."

"Shouldn't you be helping your husband through his breakdown?"

Bella transferred her attention to Edward in time to see him leap from his plastic chair, and make a run for the cafeteria doors at human speed, screaming as he went:

"My God! The voices! Make the voices stop!"

His wife and siblings stared after him in horror, and Rosalie broke the deafening silence he left in his wake. " Didn't Carlisle say to keep a low profile?"

Emmett shook his head. "Why is it always Edward who blows our cover?"

Bella defended him. " This isn't as bad as juggling full-sized vans. We can pass him off as schizophrenic."

The newly schizophrenic Edward had almost reached freedom when his path was blocked by a hulking figure in a football jacket.

"Hey. I'm Finn Hudson." The figure introduced itself. He held his hand out. " You're one of the new kids, right? The...Cullens?"

Edward shook the proffered hand tentatively, before gazing up at Finn with pleading topaz eyes. Finn made the mistake of gazing back.

Woah, was his last thought before his insides turned to mush.

" Would you please," Edward whispered," Try not to think?"

Finn couldn't process the weirdness of this request in his dazzled state.

" Uh...yeah, sure...I can do that. My girlfriend always says I never use my brain, so." He stuttered.

A chastising whisper, to low for human ears to register, flew across the cafeteria.

" Edward! What have I told you about looking directly into people's eyes!"

Edward replied at the same pitch.

" I can't help it Bella, I'm losing my mind. The thoughts are too much...please, shield me, I'm begging you love..." He trailed off pathetically.

Bella sighed, and closed her eyes for a moment to concentrate. Edward looked instantly relieved, his customary charm and arrogance returning.

" Edward Cullen." He introduced himself coolly. " You wished to speak with myself and my family?"

He made the question a statement, turning on his heel and striding back towards the Cullen table.

" I...yeah, that'd - that'd be great!" Finn still hadn't recovered the use of his mental faculties, but the wasn't that noticeable. He stumbled along behind Edward like a lost puppy.

They reached the table, and Edward dropped elegantly into his former seat, gesturing for Finn to pull up a chair, which he did.

Edward began introductions.

" This is Finn Hudson, the quarterback on the school football team." He announced.

" This is my sister, Alice Cullen." She waved.

" Her boyfriend, Jasper Hale." He nodded, his expression fixed.

" My brother, Emmett Cullen." He grinned widely.

" His girlfriend, Rosalie Hale." Finn gaped.

" And this," He paused to kiss Bella's hand with a flourish. " Is my Bella."

Finn stayed silent, trying to absorb all the new information, and a little creeped out by the last display. Edward was trying to exude as much poise, confidence and sanity as possible to make up for his breakdown, in hopes of avoiding Emmett and Jasper doing impressions of him running from ' the voices ' for the next decade. Alice's visions were not encouraging in that regard.

" Hey." Finn started. He was suddenly really nervous, and something about the Cullens unnerved him. He cleared his throat. " So...um...what I wanted to talk to you about, is, I'm not just the quarterback, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." He gained a measure of confidence from who knows where (though Emmett and Bella glanced suspiciously at Jasper.) and his voice became surer. " I'm also in glee club. And...and...we just placed twelfth at Nationals...and we have a lot of fun, and" He hesitated, guilt choking his tongue, but hethought of Rachel's boobs and found his courage. " All the popular kids are in glee, and all the glee kids are really popular - "

Rosalie held up a hand. " I'm gonna stop you right there." Her voice was skeptical. " Glee club is really popular?"

" Yes?" Finn tried squeakily.

" Is that why I saw a boy from glee getting slushied this morning before class?" Alice enquiried brightly.

" That was probably Kurt." Finn muttered.

"Or why I rescued a glee kid in a wheelchair from a port-a-potty?" Emmett suggested.

" Oh...poor Artie." Finn mumbled.

"Or why a glee girl was walking around with a sign saying ' If you kick me, I'll shut up ' on the back of her tartan skirt for three periods today?"

" Rachel has a tartan skirt." Finn nodded.

" And why the only name on the sign-up sheet is Sucka Penis?" Bella chimed in.

" Um...yeah." Finn answered miserably.

Edward took pity on him.

" We'll think about it." He said kindly.

Finn spoke really fast, trying to explain himself.

" It's just...my cocaptain told me to get you to join,and she's kinda my girlfriend, and she's really short and bossy, so I sorta have to do what she says."

Jasper was genuinely sympathetic, nodding and giving Alice sideways looks.

"I feel your pain," He said solemnly.

Bella snorted with laughter, her hand flying up to cover her mouth.

" Sorry." She apologised, seeing everyone looking at her. " I just thought of a really good joke."

" Well, thanks." Finn said shortly as he fled the table. The Cullens watched as he exited the cafeteria.

" He seems nice," Jasper commented. Everyone hummed noncommittally. " What was the joke, Bella?"

They all stared.

" There was no joke, Jazz." Emmett began.

" It starts, and there's an empath vampire at a table." Bella told him.

" In a bar?" Jasper asked.

" If you want," She shrugged. " And there's this human at the table aswell, and he's complaining. Anyway, the vamp really gets what he's going on about, so he says ' I feel your pain'.

Jasper thought for a second, then laughed. " I get it! 'Cause he's an empath! Funny, Bella!"

He started giggling, and Alice shot her husband a worried look before leading him by the hand to his next class.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to guest and Lily for their reviews. They really made my day. I'm planning something for Kurt and Alice, but please don't get your expectations too high. I crack like a china plate under pressure. It will probably be in the next two or three chapters.**

** To A heartless flamer, my sister and I had a good laugh at your grammar. She's eight.**

Finn paced his bedroom. It was quite small, and he was big for a seventeen year old, so he was only taking about three steps before turning around. He sat on his bed. He was so conflicted. He was fairly certain he only knew one person he could go to for help with this particular problem, and, as luck would have it, that person lived in his house. He raced - or the closest approximate in the cramped hallway - to Kurt's room, and flung open the bedroom door.

Kurt yelled, and sat up in bed so fast that Blaine was dislodged from his position on Kurt's lap, and toppled to the floor.

"Finn! Would it kill you to knock!"shouted his stepbrother.

Finn stood frozen in place, his mouth hanging open.

" Finn...Finn?" Kurt waved his hands, trying to get Finn's attention. Finn continued to gape, his wide eyes blank.

" Oh, crap." Kurt summed up." I think he's broken. "

" Blaine!" He barked, causing the curly-haired midget to jump to attention.

"Do something!" Kurt commanded.

Blaine regarded the shell-shocked Finn, then hesitantly spoke.

" Um, Finn?" He asked in a small voice. "Could you stop staring at me while I'm shirtless?"

This seemed to snap Finn out of his trance. He closed his mouth carefully. He blinked several times. He proceeded to open and shut his mouth several times. Finally he managed to choke out:

" I think I'm gay."

Kurt's jaw hit the floor this time.

" Is that supposed to make me feel better about you staring at my naked chest?" Blaine queried, trying to keep a common theme in the conversation.

This spurred Kurt into action, and he leaped at Blaine with a t-shirt, trying to protect his boyfriend's modesty.

" No, no, i'm not gay because of Blaine." Finn clarified, a split-second before Kurt tackled Blaine to the ground.

" Oh. " Kurt said, letting Blaine up. " That's okay, then. So, why are you gay? I mean, what made you realise?"

" I...I fell in love." Finn declared empathically and uncharacteristically.

The two boys looked up at him from their positions on the floor, questioning the evidence of their ears. An awkward silence prevailed. Then Blaine's face showed trepidation and a dawning horror.

" With Kurt?" He spat, his tone somehow incorporating both fear and revulsion.

" No, not Kurt." Finn dismissed.

The couple did nothing to mask their sighs of relief. They had enough drama on their plate without adding a love triangle with Kurt's stepbrother, thank-you very much.

" Then who?" Kurt wondered, mentally running through the list of gay guys Finn knew. It was a short list. Please, please don't let it be Karofsky, he prayed. Other than that...Sam, maybe? They'd be cute together! But what would their couple name be? Fam?

"I'm in love with," Finn paused dramatically before boldly revealing his passion to the world. Or rather, the small part of it gathered in Kurt's room. " Edward Cullen."

His whole face lit up, as though illuminated by a ray of purest sunlight.

" Who?" Kurt asked, nonplussed.

" One of the new kids?" Blaine filled him in."The Cullens?"

" Oh. Which one is Edward, Finn?" Kurt looked up expectantly.

" He is...he is..." Finn scrambled for words. He didn't think 'the perfect, angelic, beautiful one' would be a helpful description. " You know the kid who ran through the cafeteria screaming about 'the voices' today?"

" Oh, him." Kurt said, recognition sparking in his blue-green eyes.

" I heard he was schizophrenic," Blaine commented.

There was a pause in which Blaine and Kurt grasped desperately for anything to say, and then Finn fell to his knees with the weight of emotion.

" He is my life now." His voice trembled with sincerity. Kurt rolled his eyes at the dramatics. Someone had been spending too much time with Miss Rachel Berry...

The rest of Kurt's brain took a second too catch up to that thought.

"Oh my God, Finn. Rachel!"

Blaine accented his boyfriend's statement with a shocked gasp. Finn appeared dazed.

"What are you gonna do?! What are you gonna do?!" The words were spilling out of Kirt so fast it was hard to keep up." She's been through so much already! This is worse than the Vocal Egg-drenaline incident! Her boyfriend can't leave her for another man!"

" I don't know," Blaine mumbled, " Some might say it's songwriting gold."

Kurt spared him a withering look, before continuing with his rant.

" She'll be heartbroken! She won't perform! We'll lose Sectionals!" He screeched the last, painting a vision of an unbearable future. He glared at Finn.

" You can't dump her. You can't let that happen."

Finn got to his feet, squaring his shoulders resolutely.

" Kurt, you cannot ask me to live a lie."

Kurt looked incredulous. Live a lie? How was he coming up with this crap? He felt Blaine's accusing eyes prickling on the back of his neck. Evidently the situation needed to be handled delicately. He stood up beside Finn, carefully brushing away any dirt that had dared settle on his designer jeans, and threw an arm partway around his stepbrother's broad shoulders.

"Would I ask that of you?" He feigned shock, his voice sugary as candyfloss, and just as unnatural." All I'm saying is, why don't you consider the benefits of staying with Rachel for your relationship with Edward?"

Finn's features settled into a familiar look of confusion, a vast improvement over his former lovelorn expression.

"Huh?"

Kurt smiled benignly. " Well, obviously, if you stay with Rachel 'til Sectionals, you can use the time to build the foundations of a meaningful relationship, based on friendship with Edward, and Rachel might realise you're gay between now and then, sparing you the painful break-up. And there may be certain benefits to glee club which I have in no way considered. "

"That makes no sense," Blaine pointed out. " Listen to yourself. You're suggesting Rachel Berry might think about someone else for long enough to figure something like this out, in the run-up to a competition? This just begs the question, what are you smoking?"

"Shut up," Kurt threatened menacingly, his persuasive smile still fixed in place.

"I don't know. This is all so confusing for me, y'know?" Finn said helplessly. " I mean, this morning, my whole world revolved around Rachel's boobs."

Kurt glowed a bright scarlet, and leaned over to whisper in Blaine's ear. " I'm so uncomfortable with this conversation."

Finn continued oblivious. " But now I can't stop thinking about Edward's..."

The audience of Kurt and Blaine waited with baited breath and eyes as big as saucers for him to finish the sentence.

"...hair."

Kurt sagged with relief.

" That was disappointing." Blaine muttered.

Finn tried to resume his pacing, but stubbed his toe on Kurt's vanity table, and contented himself with tapping his foot. Blaine wondered how he could have ever mistaken him for straight.

" I think I'll go with Kurt's plan." Finn decided. " Thanks for the help, guys."

Then he swept dramatically and abruptly from the room. He forgot to close the door behind him so Blaine got up and shut it.

"So.." He remarked. " Finn's gay?"

Kurt sat cross-legged on the end of his bed. They regarded each other and then:

" I knew it!" They exclaimed simultaneously.

"So obvious," Kurt added.

"Yeah." Blaine agreed. "Why else would he date the only girls in school who don't put out?"

"Who did you think it was?" Kurt asked, curious. " At first? I thought Sam for a minute..."

" Besides you? I wondered if...maybe... ?" Blaine admitted.

Kurt gaped for a second, and then drew in his breath as he considered that. " You're right! Why did I never see that before?"

Blaine shrugged, coming to sit beside Kurt on the bed. " Pity it'll never happen."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Kurt mused." Who's to say things will work out with this Edward? And then, all we have to do is make Mr. Schue accept his sexuality. Shouldn't be too hard. We have his vest collection to hold against him."

Blaine looked on in amusement at his plotting boyfriend, and leaned over to kiss him. Then, for the second time that evening, they were forced to spring apart at an unwelcome intrusion.

"Arrgh! Blaine! Why didn't I know you were here?!"

Burt's screams frightened the flock of bird's sitting in a nearby tree.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm worried the chapters are too short. Will you review if you have an opinion, and let me know? **

Carlisle rang a tinkly silver bell, calling the meeting to order. Everyone stared at the bell in distaste.

" Carlisle, can't you get a bigger bell? One that's louder and less...tinkly?We're vampires for God's sake not..not...Tooth Fairies!" Emmett complained.

" Tooth Fairies?" Bella asked. " Plural? There's only one Tooth Fairy!"

" There are lots," Emmett corrected. " They all live in Tooth Fairy Land, in the sky, and they build houses out of teeth."

"There are none, because they don't exist." Edward snapped.

" That's what I used to think about vampires, Edward. Don't be such a cynic, or you'll wake up one morning irrevocably in love with The Tooth Fairy." Bella warned.

" Bella, you can't just trot out the vampire thing every time we have a debate about mythical creatures."

"Why not? Have you thought of a counter-argument?" She taunted.

" Ahem." Esme stated. " Did you call this meeting to discuss the Tooth Fairy?"

Alice leaped to her feet. " This meeting is to discuss our insane school! We need to get out of there before that student body and their freaky emotions do permanent damage to Jasper! McKinley High is driving my husband crazy, and worse. Every second we spend there risks my clothes getting slushied!"

She sat down, breathing hard after her impassioned speech. Of course, that was purely for effect. As a vampire, she had no need of oxygen.

Carlisle and Esme looked stunned. " Alice," Carlisle began gently," If you really feel we have to leave Lima -"

" Oh, I do." Alice nodded vigorously.

" then, I'm sure everyone will acquiesce. However, we have only just set up shop, so to speak, here in Ohio, and it would be easier on the family to stay rather than deal with preparations to move again so soon. To me, there seems to be a simple solution to the slushy problem. Why don't you try foreseeing when someone intends to slushy you, and take precautions?"

Alice narrowed her eyes as she considered Carlisle's suggestion." Maybe." She pronounced finally.

" Now, Jasper, if the emotions in the new school are too much for you - " Carlisle moved onto the next problem and was interrupted by Jasper.

" It's not all that bad, Carlisle. The emotions were a little overwhelming, but I'm much better now I'm away from all that."

Alice knocked over her chair in her haste to refute that.

" You're gonna have to go back there tomorrow, Jazz! And I don't care if you don't think it's 'that bad', I can't watch you like that again! It's hard enough trying to preserve my image of you as a strong, manly vampire as is!"

Jasper looked wounded. " You're exaggerating, Alice."

" There's nothing sexy about a giggling fit, Jasper! You were even drooling a little..."

Rosalie scrunched up her pretty little nose in disgust.

" And besides that," Alice went on." There's Edward."

"What about Edward?" Esme was confused.

" He's schizophrenic, if anyone asks." Emmett informed them delightedly.

"What?" "Why?" Carlisle and Esme spoke together.

" Allow me." Emmett grinned wickedly.

Edward winced in dread as Emmett stood with a flourish, launching into an Oscar-worthy impression of Edward's breakdown.

" Ahhh! Ahhhh! The voices! Save me, Bella!" He warbled in a high falsetto as he minced in circles around the dining room table, wiggling his fingers girlishly.

Everyone excluding Carlisle and Esme applauded as Emmett returned to his seat.

" Bravo! Encore!" Rosalie called.

"Bella!" Edward gasped in betrayal when he saw her clapping.

" It was a good impression." She excused herself.

" Edward..." Carlisle trailed off, at a loss."Did you do that?"

"Not exactly." He avoided his father's eyes.

"But pretty close," Emmett laughed.

" Emmett, it was not...actually yeah, pretty close." Edward admitted.

Carlisle valiantly recovered from his shock.

"Well, I'll go to the school and inform them about your schizophrenia.I'll say you're on medication, but your dosage was wrong, or something."

" Okay." Edward sulked.

" Bella can shield you in future, can't you Bella?" Carlisle turned to look at her.

" Yeah, sure. I was shielding him today, but...too late." She looked sheepish.

" Well, that seems to be all the problems taken care of, wouldn't you say?" Carlisle addressed the table in general.

" There was a short girl dressed like a toddler/pensioner, but I suppose if we cope with Bella's fashion sense, we can cope with anything." Rosalie rationalised.

" That's not everything!" Alice burst out. "Jasper's sexiness is still compromised."

Everyone glanced over at Jasper, and he hid his face behind a potted plant.

" Er..yes, well, Alice, I don't see what we can do about that..." Carlisle floundered.

" The school counsellor offers couples' sessions!" Emmett recommended.

Alice bared her teeth at him, but was cut off mid-growl as she slipped into a vision. Edward's eyes became slightly unfocused as he read her mind. When she returned to reality a few seconds later, her mood was much lighter.

"Forget what I just said!" She chirped."We're all going to have such fun at McKinley!"

"Alice, something about the way you said that makes me feel like I'm in an Enid Blyton book," Rosalie grumbled.

" We're not doing that, Alice." Edward closed the discussion.

Alice merrily wrenched it open again. " You're not the boss of us, Edward. Esme is." She stuck her tongue out at him for good measure.

"I thought I was the boss..." Carlisle began, but quailed at a glare from Esme.

"What was it you wanted to do, Alice?" Esme enquired.

" Well, Esme, you know the way we never really get involved in extra-curriculars? I was just thinking..." Alice started her sales pitch.

" No." Edward cut her off.

" I was never really involved in extra-curriculars when I was human." Bella pondered aloud. " I kinda regret missing out on that."

Edward's ears perked up. " Something you regret missing out on as a human?" He said slowly, before uttering the words the Cullen family had come to fear on the months leading up to Bella's change. " A Human Experience!"

" Yay!" Alice shrieked suddenly. " We're all joining glee club!"

Then the ruckus erupted.

" What?! Glee Club?! You'd better not be serious!"

" Isn't that the loser club the quarterback tried to get us to join?"

" Edward, don't make me."

" You and your big mouth, Bella. You've doomed us all."

"Excuse...I need an excuse...I know! I don't think I could cope with the bloodlust!"

" Don't worry, Jazz, I saw it will be fine."

" But I can't dance, Edward."

" Bella, all vampires are graceful."

" But I can't dance on the inside."

" Bella..."

" Sounds lovely, dears. Carlisle and I are leaving now."

" Who wants to know what they're singing for their audition!"

" Shut up, Alice!"

Alice pouted at the assembled vampires. " Don't look so glum, guys. This will be brilliant!"

Her enthusiasm began to infect Jasper. "Yeah!" He cheered, clapping and bouncing in his seat.

Emmett eyed him disdainfully. " Jazz, are you still confused about your gender? 'Cause I am now."

Jasper followed his wife's example and stuck out his tongue.

" I'm not joining." Rosalie was unshakable.

Edward smirked. " Alright, but you can tell Esme because she fully supports the idea."

Bella, Rosalie and Emmett cast frightened looks in the direction of Carlisle and Esme's room. Edward kept smirking, knowing they were caught.

" Fine." Rosalie said curtly, surrendering ungraciously on behalf of the three rebels.

" Yay!" Alice and Jasper cheered in unison.

" I'm going hunt the garage," Rosalie snarled. " Come on, Emmett." He scurried along behind her obediently. Edward strolled off to the piano, and Bella followed him sadly, dragging her feet. Alice took Jasper's hand, and pulled him up the stairs.

" I'm going to make a friend, Jazz." She told him excitedly.

" That's great, Ali." He smiled genuinely.

" He's almost as fashionable as I am!"

Jasper was apparently still stinging over the whole compromised sexiness thing. " He? He, Alice?" He tipped bucketloads of fear and insecurity over the rest of the family.

" Jasper!" Edward complained from downstairs, but kept playing.

"What did you mean, he, Alice?"

**I promise both the Cullens and Glee cast will be in the next chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4

" Get off the piano, Edward! We'll be late for school!" Alice hollered, appearing at te top of the staircase. She was bouncing on the spot with excitement. " Come on, I can't wait to audition for the New Directions! Nice song choice by the way, Edward."

Edward looked up from Clair de Lune in askance, but Bella, who was perched precariously on his lap, beat him to it.

" Alice, you're going to have to wait. It's 4:20 am. School isn't for hours."

Alice was crestfallen. " Are you sure?"

Bella gestured to the grandfather clock, wobbling and nearly losing her seat in the process. Alice darted down the stairs to peer into it's face. Unfortunately, she was too short, so Jasper was summoned to lift her.

" You're right!" She lamented, sitting on Jasper's shoulders.

" Shocking, isn't it? I can tell the time." Bella responded dryly.

Edward laughed, and Bella grabbed his arm to retain her position. " Don't knock me off!"

" What am I supposed to do for the next - " Alice's moaning was interrupted by a vision.

" Never mind, I have to go." She finished."C'mon Jasper, to the garage!" She tugged on his blond waves, and he winced but obeyed.

" Giddy up!" Edward quipped.

" Alice, watch out for the door frame!" Bella called.

There was a thud and muffled cursing.

" Too late!" Jasper called back.

They made it through the door on the second attempt. Bella craned her neck to look at Edward while still facing forward on his knee. If she hadn't been a vampire, the position would have been supremely uncomfortable. As she was, it just looked weird.

"What song did you choose?"

He grinned crookedly, yet somehow mysteriously. "Wait and see."

"You and waiting." Bella complained. "At least give me a hint?"

Edward looked thoughtful. "It reflects my inner struggle with life." He revealed with a straight face.

"I thought it might." Emmett came in from the garage to sit on the piano stool next to Edward and Bella. It wasn't really built to seat three, so they all had to squish a bit, but it was cosy. Nobody minded. Well, Edward and Bella minded, but Emmett was cool with it, and that was what mattered. " That or your eternal devotion to the retired klutz." He jabbed Bella with his elbow, and it was with effort she stayed on the stool.

"Anyone picked their song?" Rosalie asked, having just arrived from the garage and being unfamiliar with the conversation. She sat on Emmett's lap. The vicinity of the bench was now _really_ crowded. Still, nobody minded. Also, nobody counted Edward and Bella.

"We're guessing each other's." Bella explained. "Edward's reflects his inner struggle with life." She lacked her husband's poise, and so sniggered as she said that. Emmett and Rosalie joined in, and Edward played some low, moody notes in the piano.

Rosalie gave a despairing sigh that was eerily reminiscent of Esme. "Of course it does. I hoped for an expression of newlywedded bliss, but it seems not even being deliriously happy can stop Edward's moodiness."

Contrary to expectations, Bella did not have an insecure freak-out at this, but merely nodded understandingly. "It's part of who he is, Rose." She confided.

Emmett's face was screwed in concentration. Finally, he opened his eyes, and used them to bore holes in the side of Edward's head.

"What?!" Edward was uncomfortable with the staring.

Emmett put forward his first guess. "Is it...Swagger Jagger, Cher Lloyd?"

Edward liked to think of himself as pretty unshockable, a combined result of both mindreading, and nearly eighty years living with Emmett. This however, made his chiseled jaw drop in surprise and disgust.

"Why...How does that reflect my inner struggle?! How does that reflect anything?!"

"I...well..."Emmett trailed off. Bella dropped her head into her hands.

"Emmett," She groaned. "Why did you have to bring up...her?"

Cher Lloyd was one of Edward's pet peeves. The one hundred and eleven year old in him viewed her as representative of everything that was wrong with 'modern youth'.

"The lyrics don't even make sense, for crying out loud, much less reflect inner struggle! Find me, Emmett, in Oxford English Dictionary, the phrase Swagger Jagger - "

"It means - " Rosalie tried.

"It means nothing! It's not English! It's not anything! And even if we generously discount the lyrics, the tune is stolen!"

"What do you mean, stolen?" Bella's frantic hand signals were lost on Emmett.

"It's Clementine! It's 'My darling Clementine' speeded up!"

"What speeded up?" Bella gave up on the hand signals.

"You know, oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Clementine..." Unnoticed by Edward, Enmett and Rosalie inched their way off the bench and began slowly backing out of the room. Bella made ' help me!' eyes in their direction. She looked at the still-singing Edward and began mentally calculating her chances of climbing off his lap without him noticing. They were surprisingly high. She swung one leg over the side of the stool, and Edward paused mid-verse and opened his eyes.

"What are you doing, Bella?"

"Um...appreciating your singing?"

Edward frowned, then his eyes unfocused slightly.

"Why does Emmett find that so amusing?"

Bella froze in panic and began hurling a mental tirade of abuse at Emmett. "What does Emmett not find amusing?" Nice save, Bella, she congratulated herself.

Edward lifted an eyebrow then shrugged. "True."

He then accompanied himself singing with a stylised version of "Oh, My Darling Clemetine" on the piano, and Bella sat through four hours on repeat until a bedraggled Alice got home.

*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *

Blaine was having a lovely dream. He was skipping through a garden which looked suspiciously like the edible one in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He was merrily stuffing his face, when an Oompa-Loompa came up to him and tugged on his trouser leg, saying in Kurt's. voice:

" Wake up! Wake up, Blaine! God dammit, I have a bucket of cold water, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Odd, Blaine thought, the other Oompa-Loompas had simply advised him on where to find the best candy. He shrugged, and continued skipping. Suddenly, he tripped over a candy cane, and went diving in the chocolate river. Surprisingly for melted chocolate, it wasn't warm. In fact, it was the opposite. It was downright freezing! Ahhh...

" Kurt!" Blaine spluttered through a mouthful of icy water.

"Finally! It wakes! Up you get, princess, we have places to be!" Kurt clapped his hands in a 'chop, chop' motion, and began picking out clothes for Blaine.

"What?" Blaine blinked droplets out of his eyes, and seized the digital clock from the dresser. He shook it in his boyfriend's face. "Kurt, have you looked at the clock yet this morning?! Can you read this?! It's a quarter to five in the bloody morning!"

" What?!" Kurt rushed over from the wardrobe to verify Blaine's words. "No! We're late!"

"How can we be late!" Blaine bellowed. "It's 4:45 am! Those people fortunate enough not to be dating lunatics are blissfully sleeping right now!"

" Shush, Blaine." Kurt reproved. "People fortunate enough not to be dating lunatics live in your house. You're going to wake them."

" I..." Blaine opened his mouth to voice his indignation, but was hit by a wave of defeat and lethargy. What was the point anymore?

Almost as if he had heard Blaine's silent surrender, Kurt beamed happily, indicating the pile of clothes on the bed.

"Get dressed. If we violate the rules of responsible driving, we can make it in time!"

Blaine picked up the bundle and shuffled into his ensuite to dress.

"Can I assume, since you're acting like a lunatic, this has something to do with shopping?"

Kurt sighed. "You know me so well! Yes, there's a sale at my favorite store ever!" His voice rose to a squeal of excitement at the end.

"You mean the one where you bought your hand knit chunky red sweater?" Blaine checked through the door.

This time Kurt's sigh was disappointed. "No, Blaine. That was last week. This store sold me my Dior white wool coat."

"My bad." Blaine answered, semi-sarcastically. You know your boyfriend's insanity has transferred by osmosis when you feel guilty for not knowing his favourite store of the day, he continued the sarcasm in thought form.

"And soon," Kurt crowed with all the enthusiasm of a villain announcing his master plan. "It shall be the store which sold me my rust-orange camouflage beret." His eyes glowed with happiness at the image.

"Kurt?" Blaine ventured, coming out of his ensuite, dressed and ready for the day a good deal earlier than planned. "Why am I up at five in the morning?"

Kurt got a firm grasp in Blaine's elbow and steered him out of the house as he answered the question. "There's a limited supply of berets," He explained, distracted with finding Blaine's mom's car keys. "The store opens early to accommodate the 'devoted shopper'."

"And here in Lima, that is a synonym for..."

"Kurt Hummel." Kurt nodded, and pulled Blaine out the door and into his mom's navy S60. He jammed the keys in the ignition and Blaine began a desperate search for his seatbelt.

"But I still want to arrive early. Just in case another shopaholic has mysteriously arrived since yesterday."

Blaine clicked his seatbelt on, and then felt sufficiently reassured and relaxed to laugh at the idea of their ever being a shopper in Lima - no, on the planet - to rival Kurt.

"Oh my God!"

A gaggle of pedestrians scattered as an obnoxious yellow Porsche fired through their midst.

"Alice!" Jasper yelled above the roaring engine as a pair of teenagers leaped to the side, narrowly missing the bonnet. "Please be more careful!"

"Relax!" snapped the driver. "I saw I wouldn't hit anyone."

She swerved to avoid an elderly lady who couldn't dodge the sports car fast enough.

"Probably." She added guiltily.

Jasper fought to control his voice.

"Alice, you're frightening them, and I can't shut it out. I'm verging on my second panic attack in as many days."

She was contrite. "Alright, I'm sorry. No more pedestrianised streets."

He sighed in relief. "That's all I ask."

There was a pause then he asked:

"Where are we going?"

Her face lit with a smile, and a second later, as her mood reached him, so did his.

"A mall. Or, specifically a store, to hunt for the most exceptional rust-orange camouflage beret."

"Wonderful!" Jasper exclaimed, and thanks to his empathy, he meant it.

She grinned at him, then craned her neck, trying to see the map laid out on te dashboard.

"Next left turn?"

Jasper snatched it. "No, you should keep going until the roundabout, I think."

Alice's eyes glazed over, then she shook her head. "We'll hit traffic. Next left turn."

"No, Alice, that's a - "

Alice yanked the wheel hard, and there was a cacophony of blaring horns and squealing brakes as every other car on the one-way street veered out of her way.

"Alice!" Jasper yelled above the roaring engine and shouted abuse.

"It's a shortcut, Jazz!" She yelled in reply. "We'll be there in two minutes, and I saw we wouldn't get arrested!"

Jasper performed the difficult feat of rolling his eyes while simultaneously looking terrified.

"That's such a comfort."

She ignored him, slamming on the gas as she rounded the corner. The racing engine was finally getting the workout it deserved. The Porsche practically jumped to lightspeed before slowing in front of a huge outlet mall.

Alice dived from the car, tossing the keys to Jasper.

"Park her, then follow my scent to the store."

"Do I look like a valet?!" He called after her half-heartedly.

"I can See you won't like the answer to that." Her voice floated back to him.

He sighed and slid into the driver's seat, muttering under his breath as he scoured the lot for a space.

"In sickness and in health, Jazz...this is her sickness. There! Oh...damn you navy Volvo S60."

The S60 stole the spot Jasper had been eyeing. Two boys got out of the front seat. One was barking instructions. The other was mumbling incessantly.

"Coffee...coffee...Kurt, I need coffee..."

Jasper felt an overpowering thirst emanating from the boy that reminded him of a vampire's bloodlust. He was glad he'd fed the night before. Shuddering in sympathy, or rather empathy, he moved towards a space recently vacated by a hideous minivan. The guilt he felt at taking a mother and baby spot was trumped by the fear of scratching Alice's car. Besides, he knew if she was here she'd reason the Porsche was her baby. Walking a little faster than a human could, he entered the mall, passing the boys from earlier, who were bickering by Starbucks. He caught Alice's scent easily and went to the same store she did.

"Jasper, search the racks on the far left, beginning at the corner and fanning out towards the right." Alice said quietly as he stepped in the door. His vampire ears caught it and he headed off to the left of the store, and started flipping through stacks of clothes. A beret is a French hat, isn't it? He wondered, then prayed to God his wife never found out he had thought that. She would probably decide he needed fashion tutoring along with Bella (god help her.) and he had lost enough of his immortal life to fashion. Then there came an earsplitting shriek of victory.

"I have it Jazz! I..Hey!"

"Don't be such a baby, Blaine!" Kurt teased his cowering boyfriend.

Blaine kept his hands firmly over his eyes. "If I look out the window, I will a)Get sick, b)Realise how fast you're going and c)Be hit by the knowledge of imminent death."

"And I thought Rachel was dramatic! You're not going to die, this is the safest car in the world."

"It's also characteristically driven by middle-aged women! No Volvo has ever been pushed to the speeds you're taking this one to, I'd put money!"

Kurt eyed Blaine with amusement. He would have been better off eyeing the road. If Blaine had been looking, he would have gone into cardiac arrest.

"You're wearing a seatbelt, aren't you?"

"Lot of good that'll do me when you smash in the front of the car!"

Kurt laughed. "Just relax. Relax.."

"Don't let go of the wheel!"

Kurt smugly put his hands back on the steering wheel.

"You looked."

Blaine may have had a smug/triumphant expression on his face. It was hard to tell as his hands were still covering it. "I didn't look. I'm just a 'Friends' addict. I know a Rachel Greene quote when I hear one."

"Freak." Kurt muttered.

Blaine turned his head to face him, but didn't look. It was odd.

"We're up three hours before school starts, all for the purpose of getting a beret to add to your collection. You want to talk freaks?"

Kurt had the decency to blush, then turned into the mall carpark. "Open your eyes and help me find a parking space."

Blaine consented and looked around, blinking.

"Over there! Quick before the yellow car!"

Kurt put his foot down and the car lurched forward. Blaine clutched his stomach affectedly. The yellow car hovered, waiting for another space. Kurt turned his head to watch it.

"Is that a 911 Turbo?!"

"Blah blah blah blah blah." Blaine responded.

"Is that a Porsche?!" Kurt translated.

Blaine shrugged. "How should I know? You're the one who's dad owns a car-fixing-shop-thingy."

"Garage." Kurt supplied.

Blaine snapped his fingers. "That's it!"

Kurt rolled his eyes affectionately. "Come on, we'll be late."

They got out of the car, and Kurt unfolded a diagram of the beret-locating plan and began issuing instructions.

"Alright, Blaine, if you direct your attention to section C part 1, you'll see your battle station is the northeast wall of the store, encompassing the sale rack. The third shelf down is the most likely location of the beret, but that does not mean other shelves can be neglected. We cannot afford to be sloppy at this stage of the operation."

Blaine rubbed his head. "I'm too sleepy. I need my coffee fix before I deal with this. Coffee...coffee...Kurt, I need coffee..."

"We can make a detour to Starbucks," Kurt allowed. "But we can't sacrifice more than six minutes."

Blaine straightened up, freakishly energised all of a sudden, his eyes brightening at the promise of coffee. "Let's go then!" He grabbed Kurt's arm and dragged him towards the mall at a run.

"Ahh...Blaine!"

A minute later, doubled over in the queue at Starbucks, Kurt caught his breath.

"What...was...that?!" He wheezed.

Blaine stood over him. "You're really unfit." He observed.

"Bla...ine!"

"It's nice to be taller than you for once."

"Why...run...ning?"

"I must have coffee." Like it was too obvious to even say out loud.

"Needed...to run?"

"I did. Could you stand up straight? People are starting to stare."

Kurt glared frostily between gasps for air, then made an attempt at standing. The closest he could get was leaning in Blaine, with Blaine supporting his entire weight. Then Lady Gaga's dulcet tones came from his pocket.

"My mama told me when I was young, we're all superstars..."

"Is that your phone?" Blaine asked. Kurt nodded, and began singing along.

"She rolled my hair, put my lipstick on..."

"Kurt?" He kept singing. "Kurt? Are you gonna answer that?"

Kurt looke sheepish. "Oh, yeah."

"Hello? Finn! Yes, that was me. No, it's borrowed. I'm an excellent driver. Tell not to worry. Yes, Blaine's with me. He's getting coffee. We'll pick you up in time for school. I'm an expert at breaking and entering. Besides, the Andersons have a rubbish security, a burglar's dream. Very funny. I don't know. Really, you keep a diary? Okay...Bye."

He hung up, looking over at Blaine. "That was Finn. Your mother is looking for her car and son, in that order, and Finn's nervous about seeing Edward Cullen in school. He wrote a poem in his diary about Edward's hair."

"Ummm..." Blaine said.

"Yeah, that's how I felt upon learning that little gem of information. Oh, look, I got an email."

Kurt's face changed completely from mildly amused to all-out panicked, and he shoved the phone in his pocket and went to tug Blaine from the queue. However, Blaine and coffee were not so easily parted.

"Blaine! Come on, we have to go!"

"Coffee!" Blaine objected eloquently.

"No time! The store website just updated me, there's only one beret left!"

Blaine looked suitably horrified. "Oh my God! We'll have to take the coffee and go get it straightaway."

"Blaine! We have to go now! It's a matter of life and death!"

"It's a matter of berets!"

"To you, it's a matter of life and death, because if I don't get my beret, I will hold you, and your coffee and your lie-in responsible, and you will die!"

"Lie-in! You got me up at a quarter to five in the morning!" Blaine squawked.

There seemed to be no reasoning with Blaine. Kurt looked around desperately, and then he saw it. A woman was sitting in a booth eating a muffin and she had a toddler on her lap. And beside her in the booth was the toddler's currently unoccupied pushchair.

About a minute later, gangs of shoppers stared open-mouthed at the screaming teenage boy clinging to the edges of a pushchair for dear life as another teenage boy ran full tilt through the mall, pushing the pushchair. Kurt took a wide spinning turn and Blaine started sobbing. Kurt was getting really tired, but the store was in his sights, so he put on a final burst of speed. He skidded to halt in front o the shop so abruptly that Blaine was unceremoniously dumped out of the pushchair onto the floor. Kurt took a moment to straighten his clothes, then swept dramatically through the doors. Blaine crawled pathetically after him. Kurt was about to rehash his brilliant plan, when it suddenly became unnecessary. There, sitting right in front of him like it had been waiting for him to arrive, was his glorious beret. He imagined a chorus of angels was singing somewhere. He reached out and grabbed it at the same time a much smaller, ice-white hand latched onto the other side of it.

"I have it, Jazz! I...Hey!"

"Hey! Let go! I...Blaine, help!"

Blaine got up off the floor and made a point of dusting the dirt from his knees, before strolling over to Kurt at a leisurely pace.

"Problem, Kurt?"

"Wrestle the tiny girl to the ground while I make off with the beret!"

Alice gasped in a shocked and extremely affected way. "You're using my own tactics against me! Jasper!"

Kurt and Blaine did a double-take as Jasper materialised out of a clothing rack.

"What's wrong, Alice?"

"Pin down the short one and the well-dressed one while I make off with the beret!" She commanded.

"Don't hurt me," Blaine squeaked, looking up at a towering Jasper from the modest height of 5ft 7".

"Well-dressed?" Kurt preened.

"Yes, and that's not a compliment Alice Cullen hands out often. I love your boots!"

Kurt held out his foot to show his docs to their best advantage. "You look like a woman of discerning taste?"

"Well.." If Alice could have blushed, she would have.

"Then, you know what else you'll love?" He didn't wait for an answer. "My beret!"

He snatched the coveted item, and ran for the doors. He had barely made it two steps, when a snarling Alice tackled him to the ground, and the pair began struggling over the beret. It got thrown into the children's section, and mothers accustomed to shopping in the same town as Kurt Hummel whisked their children out of the way with minimal fuss. Alice and Kurt dived for the beret. Kurt got his hands on it first, but his exultant "Ha!" died in his throat. He dropped it when Alice picked him up by the scruff of the neck and tossed him into the shelves. They fell like dominoes, and Kurt scrambled from the wreckage with murder in his eyes. He seized a nearby mannequin and threw it like a javelin. It hit Alice, who was on her knees ferreting through piles of fallen clothes, square in the back of the head. She turned around, lips pulling back to reveal her glistening teeth. If you knew she was a vampire, it was frightening. If you didn't, she looked like the kid who's mother didn't buy her school picture.

In the midst of all the commotion, two similarly afflicted teenagers ended up sheltering behind the same upended shelf.

"Why? Why does she always do this? We only just moved here, and it's started already..." The taller, blond one was asking the peeling paint on the ceiling (or, if you prefer, God.). The other was staring wide-eyed into the distance and mumbling to himself.

"Hate berets. Coffee. Must have coffee. A quarter to five. Hate pushchairs. I'm sixteen. I'm a grown-up."

Jasper peeked round the edge of the shelf, then withdrew his head quickly. "They've started into the projectiles." He groaned.

"I'd say that means we've another ten minutes before mall security gets here, then." Blaine commented.

Jasper glanced over at him. "You do this often?"

Blaine nodded. "Too often. My boyfriend's the one swinging the belt like a lasso."

Jasper nodded the way he usually did - emphatically. "My girlfriend's throwing the stiletto heels."

Blaine raised his eyebrows. "You probably want to get her out of there. I've never known Kurt to lose a beret once he started hunting."

Jasper half-smiled. "I'm not worried. Alice is lethal in her natural habitat - the mall."

"Kurt can be dangerous. People who stand between him and couture tend to get hurt."

"Alice is vicious. She spends almost as much on other people's hospital bills as she does on clothes."

They both regarded each other then spoke together. "To be honest, I'm more worried about us."

"Even if we don't sustain casualties during the battle - " Blaine continued.

"One of us is going home with an irate shopaholic, and more importantly, without a beret."

They considered that dreadful future, then each fervently and guiltily hoped it wouldn't be himself.

In the meantime, Alice and Kurt had temporarily run out of ammunition, and had realised that since neither of them had the beret, it was lost among the fallen clothes and accessories heaped knee-high on the floor. They had set to digging with an almost religious fervour. A sales assistant had inched her way out from behind the counter, and was eyeing the door speculatively, as through considering taking advantage of the momentary ceasefire. She had just begun walking, when Kurt's shriek startled her, and caused her to a trip over a stack of wedge heels.

"I have it! It's mine! Blaine! To the getaway vehicle!"

The mall cops manning the main office were engaged in a lively debate about the results of last night's American X-Factor. Two of them were glad the evicted competitor - a whiny blonde, who shall remain nameless - was gone. The other thought the judges had been too harsh. As a consequence of this high-brow discussion, the alert connected to the wireless communicator of each mall cop beeped four times before one of the guys turned his swivel chair round to answer it.

"What?" Paul was disgruntled.

"We have a situation!" The rookie screamed down the line, delighted. "I'm dealing with a trashed store! It's a total warzone, like a bomb went off or something! Vicky - she's like, a salesgirl - says these two teenagers got into, like a battle!" His tone conjured up visions of him doing some kind of happy dance.

Shaking off that disturbing image, Paul grunted to convey just how unimpressed he was. "That's your basic Kurt Hummel fiasco, kid." Rookies, he thought with distaste, then reached for the telephone. Paul had been working at the mall for over twenty years, and like all mall cops worth their salt, he knew Burt Hummel's phone number by heart.

"But..that's not all!" The rookie interrupted. Paul paused. Did he need to call an ambulance? More than one? Kurt had never before managed to hospitalise more than four people at once, but at this stage he would put nothing past that kid.

"It's a case of two stolen pushchairs!" The rookie announced importantly. There was a silence.

"Did you say pushchairs?" Paul asked finally.

"Yes! One of them is occupied by a teenage boy manically waving a beret, and being pushed by a shorter, quite dapper teenage boy looking frightened. The other is occupied by a girl screaming instructions, and being pushed by a tall, blond boy. The first pushchair is headed for the exit at high speeds, and second appears to be in pursuit. Er..."

Paul got a headache trying to picture the bizarre scene.

"Wait!" The rookie suddenly exclaimed. "The first pushchair is making a stop at Starbuck's, against the wishes of the boy with the beret. The second pushchair is approaching Starbuck's...it's going straight past! They didn't notice the detour! Well, that was a dramatic turn of events, wouldn't you say, Paul?"

"You're not a sports commentator," Paul said flatly.

"Keep searching!" Alice ordered.

Jasper sighed and feigned wiping sweat from his brow as he rotated the pushchair and began circling the parking lot again.

"Don't be so dramatic," Alice snapped. "Vampires don't sweat!"

"Alice, we've been 'waiting them out' for -" he checked his watch, realised he didn't have one, then took his phone out to see the time. "Nearly three hours. I think they lost us."

"They can't have lost us," Alice snarled convictedly. "We were right on their tail! They must still be in the mall, and if they're in the mall then they have to come out sometime, and when they do..." She cackled manically. Jasper joined in for a second, then she cut him off with a glare.

"Stop trying to upstage my evil laughter."

"Sorry."

He wheeled the pushchair in silence for a few minutes then spoke:

"Alice?" He was hesitant.

"Yes?" She answered curtly, focused on scanning the horizon for enemy pushchairs.

"I...um...I've been pushing you for a while."

She nodded, concurring. "True."

"Well...do you think maybe...you could...or we could...take turns?"

"Hmmm?" Alice wasn't following.

"Okay, well, you could push me for a bit, then I'd push you again, then you'd push me..." Jasper faltered under the force of Alice's raised eyebrows.

"Me push you? I don't think so, Jazz. Think how ridiculous it would look, little four ft nine mepushing you in a pushchair!" She giggled.

Jasper was seriously upset. Very seriously. "And we don't look ridiculous now! Alice, you may be short, but in no way could you be mistaken for a toddler!"

Alice looked horrrified, and searched her mind for an appropriate retort.

Unnoticed by the bickering vampires, a second pushchair sneakily crept out of the mall and across the carpark.

"I do everything in this relationship! You just sit and moan, 'Carry me, Jasper, push me in a pushchair, Jasper'." Jasper warbled.

"I don't sound like that!" Alice protested.

"You do! You're so...so..heightist!" Jasper pronounced.

"That's not even a word! You're just making up words! 'I'm Jasper, and I make up words', that's what you sound like!"

"It is a word! I'll prove it, it's in the dictionary!"

"Let's get a dictionary, then."

Several minutes later, after the purchase of the dictionary and some difficulty with the incorrect change, Alice and Jasper were back to staking out the parking lot.

"I told you so! Heightism, discrimation against a person, and denial of opportunities due to their height! That's you!" Jasper was in shock. Victory against Alice was something he had only dreamed of in the eighty-odd years they'd been together.

"Shut up!"

Jasper looked at her expectantly. She glared balefully back at him. "What?!"

"Oh, nothing. I just thought you'd be a bit more eloquent."

"I said shut up."

"I know you did, I simply expected you to say something more scathing." He seemed to consider. "And maybe more intelligent."

She gasped. "You're saying I'm stupid?!"

"Shut up wasn't the most inspired response."

"It was perfect! Perfectly adapted to the situation. It conveys exactly my need for you to stop talking!"

"Alright."

"And heightism is so off-topic, anyway. We were talking about your random objection to being a good husband."

Now Jasper was really miffed. "I am an excellent husband! Nowhere in the rule book does it say I have to carry you. Except for the one part about thresholds."

"Edward carries Bella all the time!"Alice complained. "Why is my husband the faulty one? And I can't even get a refund, the bar I found you at closed down. Besides, your warranty's probably up."

Jasper chose to ignore the insane second half of that statement. "Him carrying Bella is a leftover habit from when she was human."

"He never complains! And the height difference between us is way bigger than between them."

"There you go again! Heightist! Heightist!" Jasper descried.

"Maybe I'll be in a relationship with Edward!" Alice threatened. "At least then I'd get carried around like I deserve!"

"I deserve to be carried too!" Jasper shouted, finally standing up for his downtrodden rights. "Maybe I'll be in a relationship with Edward aswell!"

"Fine! I'm glad that's settled!"

"We're both going to be in relationships with Edward!"

They proceeded to have an awkward stare-off. Then Alice turned tail and stalked off. Jasper belatedly followed suit, in the opposite direction. The pushchair was left forlornly alone, bereft of its only two friends in the world. It sat abandoned for a moment, then Alice came rushing back over.

"Jasper! Jasper!"

He appeared, his expression overjoyed. "Alice!"

They collided in a hug. "Never leave me again." Jasper sobbed. "That was the hardest half-second of my life."

"Oh my God, Jazz, I'm so sorry. I'll carry you all the time, I promise, I'll carry you everywhere! I was so alone, and faced by the prospect of eternity with Edward! It was so horrible..."

"I couldn't do it, Alice, I had to come back to you! Even five minutes...he's so annoying...I have new respect for Bella, I don't know how she does it."

Alice gazed up at Jasper with big gold eyes. "I love you, Jazzie."

"I love you too, Ali-issie."

"Let's never fight again!" Alice vowed.

"Agreed!" Jasper...agreed.

They stood there happily. Even the pushchair seemed happier.

"Hey, Jazz!" Alice exclaimed in sudden excitement. "I found another thing we have in common."

Jasper smiled. "I think I know what it is."

"Guess!"

Jasper made a show of thinking about it. "Is it...our mutual desire not to date Edward?"

Alice looked delighted. "You know me so well!"

They went back to basking in happiness. Jasper might have ramped it up a little.

Alice sighed. "You know the only thing that could make this moment better? My beret."

"Well, why don't we go to their car and wait for them, then steal it?" Jasper offered generously.

Alice frowned. "But we don't...you know what their car looks like?!"

Jasper was disconcerted by the change in the emotions he sensed from her. "Yeah, I saw them parking this morning."

Alice counted to ten. Twice. So really, twenty. "And you waited until now to mention it?!"

Jasper decided it was in his best interest to amplify the love and peace Alice had been feeling.

"Let's go to their car then!" She sang lovingly and peacefully. "And then let's go join a commune!"

"What?" Jasper had to ask.

"A commune!" She beamed. "Isn't that where hippies live?"

Jasper wasn't sure. "Maybe? How can we have lived through the Seventies and not be sure where hippies live?"

"Jasper, I have too many clothes." Alice declared.

Jasper's vampire balance was not enough to save him from falling over in shock.

Alice continued being bizarrely out of character. "I'm going to donate them all to charity. And only wear homespun stuff in future."

Oh no, Jasper thought, I've messed with her emotions so much I've damaged her mind. What have I done?

He tried desperately to subtract the peace and love he'd dumped on her, but it was too strong.

An engine revved in the background, and both vampires jumped out of the road. The pushchair, however, was too slow, and was crushed by the navy Volvo S60. Kurt leaned his beret-covered head out the driver's window and burst into Alice's trademark manic laughter.

"Good-bye losers!" He yelled. The vampires clearly heard Blaine mumble "You're scaring me." from the passenger seat.

Alice's happiness and inner peace vanished like cobwebs in Esme's house. She lunged at the car too late, and got a mouthful of exhaust.

"Alice?" Jasper whimpered in fear.

She watched the Volvo drive away with a dark look on her face. "We're going home, Jazz."


	5. Chapter 5

Beep! Beep!

Blaine's mother's Volvo tore up the Hummel-Hudson lawn. Finn stared in horror from the doorway. Kurt rolled down his window.

"Get in!" He called, motioning to the backseat. Finn continued staring blankly for another minute before pulling himself together and running over. He had to knock some empty Starbucks takeaway coffee cups off the seat before he could sit.

"We're gonna be late." He said angrily to Kurt when he had manged to wedge the door closed and get his belt on. Some coffee cups had fallen out onto the lawn, but he figured they were inconsequential next to the tyre marks Kurt had left.

"Incredible, isn't it?" Blaine giggled, clutching a half-full coffee cup and surrounded by empties. "He gets me up at a quarter to five, and I'm still late for school." He shook with laughter.

Finn threw him a weird look. "How much coffee has he had?"

"We ordered a hundred and fifty cups in Starbucks. The assistant didn't want to give them to us, but when Blaine had a berserker freak-out and frightened all her other customers she reconsidered." Kurt explained. "We had to bring them to the car in a couple runs. It wasn't easy, getting past Shorty and her boyfriend, but with my skills, we managed. I think he's most of the way through the coffee now." He glanced over at Blaine, who had stopped giggling and was guzzling the coffee like someone was going to take it away from him.

Finn shook his head. "This was when you were in the mall?"

"Yep." Kurt overtook a Ford Fiesta that was boring enough to keep to the speed limit.

"I can't believe you made me late, today of all days." Finn fumed.

"It's not my fault," Kurt defended himself. "It was supposed to be a simple 'Grab the beret and go' but there was a complication in the form of an insane short girl. She went crazy over that beret."

Finn raised his eyebrows.

"What?!"

"Nothing. You're a hypocrite."

"I'm a very stylish hypocrite. This is the most beautiful example of headwear I've seen in a long time." Kurt admired his reflection in the rear-view mirror. "And don't go acting like it matters I made you late. When was the last time you were in a hurry to get to school?"

"I was today!" Finn retorted. "Because - " at this point the Finn of two days ago would have stopped, due a sense of embarrassment, or self-consciousness. But today's Finn was a new man, a man changed by love. "I wanted to see Edward. Anyone would rush to school if there was an archangel in their Spanish class." Finn warmed to his topic. "If you had not come to give me a ride, I would have walked to school, until my feet bled. I would have crawled - "

"He's in your Spanish class then?" Kurt interrupted, unable to take the secondhand embarrassment.

"Yes." Finn smiled dreamily. "I've worked out what I'm going to say to him."

"Oh." Kurt resigned himself to asking. "What will you say?"

"I'm going to walk straight up to him and say, really confidently, 'Hi, I'm Finn Hudson, the quarterback who asked you to join Glee Club'. "

Kurt was silent, waiting for Finn to continue. Finn grinned proudly. "What do you think?"

Kurt fought the urge to make the obvious joke. He really did. But it was too strong. "How long did it take you to come up with that?" His mouth said of its own accord.

The sarcasm flew right over Finn's head, circled for a bit, then settled to make a nest in his hair.

"I was working on it all yesterday," He said earnestly. Kurt looked at him with a sense of a hopeless cause.

"That's great, Finn."

Finn nodded happily. "After that I kinda think he's gonna say something. Don't you think?"

"So common convention would dictate."

"So then I'll, like, say something back, and we'll have a conversation." Finn seemed awed by the prospect.

"Oh..." Kurt could see an obvious flaw in this plan, but he wasn't sure if he should say so.

"After he says something...you're trusting in your conversation skills?"

"Yeah."

Kurt struggled for a kind way to say this. "Finn, you...as a conversationalist, you're not..."

Looking into Finn's oblivious brown eyes, Kurt understood for the first time what people mean by the phrase 'Like kicking a puppy'.

"That's a great plan!" He chickened.

"Isn't it?!" Finn glowed. "Hey, you hung up so quickly in the mall earlier, I didn't get to read you my poem."

"That wasn't deliberate." Kurt lied through his teeth.

"But it's okay! I have my poetry notebook right here! I can read it to you now!" Finn was genuinely delighted by this.

"You have a poetry notebook?" Kurt stalled.

"I needed an outlet for my devotion." Finn explained, flipping through pages. There was a frightening amount of poetry in the notebook. Kurt, and even Blaine through his caffeine haze, looked aghast.

Finn struck a dramatic pose and rolled his eyes. It was all very tortured (in a romantic way).

"Oh, Edward," He began reading and Kurt covered his eyes, then hurriedly replaced his hands on the steering wheel.

"Your hair is so special,

It is the the specialest thing ever,

The first time I saw it you were screaming about voices,

Then I heard you had schizophrenia.

It is all kinds of red and gold colours,

But not ginger.

And not really blond either. I get the feeling you're smart.

'Cause your hair sticks up all over the place.

Like Einstein's."

He finished reading and looked to his audience. Kurt was shaking his head and muttering "No, no, no." over and over. Blaine looked Finn straight in the eye.

"Terrific." He announced, then took a swig of coffee.

"Really?" Finn asked, flattered, even if he had suspected as much.

"Oh, yes." Blaine said seriously. A muscle in Kurt's cheek jumped as he fought to keep the screams inside. Finn was delighted with the confirmation of his talent.

"Do you think I should read it to him? To, you know, reveal my love?"

"Just to him? Finn, you're not thinking big enough, man." Blaine's words were muffled by mouthful of coffee. Man? Kurt mouthed at him, wrinkling his nose. Blaine waved him off, leaning conspiratorially into the back seat.

"Here's what I see. I see you, and Edmund - "

"Edward!" Finn was scandalised.

"Yeah. And the cafeteria. I see the cafeteria. You're standing on the table, at lunch, and that's when you're reading your poem."

Kurt whimpered like an animal in pain. Finn was dubious. "In front of everyone?"

"Totally." Blaine was sage. "Guys dig dramatic, romantic gestures."

"Like a serenade in the Gap?" Kurt inserted snidely, parking in front of the school's main doors. Blaine chose to rise above that.

"I'll do it!" Finn declared. "Thanks, guys!" He clambered out of the car, and an avalanche of coffee cups exited with him.

"Why would you do that to him?" Kurt asked, adjusting his beret. Blaine took his arm, and they strode into McKinley High like they owned the place.

"Sometimes, you gotta liven things up." Blaine balanced a tray of coffee and his books carefully under one arm. He was leaving a trail of notebooks through the hallways but not a drop of coffee had been spilled and that satisfied priorities.

"But what about my ingenious plan to keep Rachel uninformed of her boyfriend's revised sexuality?!" Kurt worried. Blaine shrugged.

"Deal with issues as they arise. Besides, Rachel could teach classes on ignoring the obvious. She practically carries a sand bucket around to bury her head in. She may not even notice Finn's poetry reading."

Kurt shuddered. "Don't use the word poetry to describe that. I'm not sure what word you could use, but...not poetry."

The silver Volvo idled in the driveway. It should have arrived at the school by now, but two of its usual passengers were missing.

"I say we leave without them." Rosalie yelled over the noise of the CD player. Bella had monopoly on the music played in Edward's car, and she was still sulking over the glee club thing. In order to inflict her irritation on others, she alternated between Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, and 'We are never, ever, ever getting back together'. Edward's pain was most evident. His expression resembled the look of Jane's victims, and he kept clenching and unclenching his fists. His phone buzzed.

"It's Alice." He screamed back at Rosalie. "She'll be here in under a minute, and she says if we leave without her, your next wedding will be a commitment ceremony in a field in rural England. And you'll have to wear wellingtons."

Rosalie's face split neatly between horror and impatience. Emmett looked contemplative.

"Will there be sheep in the field?" He asked seriously. Rosalie rounded on him, and Edward's phone buzzed again.

"Yes, but if we eat them we'll have to pay for them." Edward read out. Emmett nodded.

"We can afford a couple of sheep."

Rosalie mouth worked furiously, but her rage left her speechless. The car door was yanked open, and Rosalie's fury, Edward's pain, Bella's irritation and Emmett's planning were thrust aside as they all stared in amazement at the spectacle of a frightened Jasper, an apoplectic Alice and a flattened pushchair bundled itself into the car.

"Drive." Alice ordered curtly. Edward stared. 'Prom Night' filled the stunned silence.

"Alice.." Bella faltered. "Your jacket is ripped." Alice stared straight ahead.

Bella tried again. "Your hair is messed." Jasper winced as his wife dug her nails into his arm.

"You..don't have any shopping bags?" All the vampires stopped breathing.

"What happened?" Edward blurted. "Why don't you have the beret? Jasper's thoughts sound like he's suffering post-traumatic stress, Alice, what on earth happened?!"

Alice gritted her teeth. "It was taken. He stole it from me, and he crushed my pushchair."

Everyone looked confused. "Huh?" Rosalie spoke for the group.

"They lost us at Starbucks, okay?" Alice shrieked. "They escaped the store, they found it the wreckage first. The mall cops were hot on our tail, we had to think fast. And Jasper didn't say about their car...Just drive, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! And Isabella, turn that racket off now!"

Bella scrambled to eject the CD and Edward floored the accelerator like he was escaping the demon in the backseat.

Brittany followed Santana out of the classroom, not carrying her books because she'd used them to line Lord Tubbington's litterbox. Jasper followed her, equally dazed, but neither of the cheerleaders noticed him.

"Are you going to Glee club later?" Santana asked, knocking lesser students out of her path as she made her way to her locker. Brittany nodded, her golden ponytail bouncing.

"Are you?" She responded.

Santana made a face, dumping her books and locking the door. "Coach hasn't technically forbidden it, so I guess. I heard the new students are all auditioning."

"There are new students?" Brittany sounded fascinated. Santana frowned.

"Yes. You sat next to one last class. Remember, a guy ran screaming out of the cafeteria, and I had to talk you out of following him?"

"No." Brittany was serene. Santana made sure no-one was looking, and then have a genuine smile of indulgence. "Finn was talking to them yesterday, probably trying to get them to join glee club. I bet his pocket-sized excuse for a girlfriend put him up to it."

"That sounds like her," Brittany agreed. "Who are we talking about?"

"Do you think they'd be good in glee club?" Santana continued as if she were having an honestly two-way conversation.

"No." An icy sweet, slightly nasal voice came from behind them in a minorly dramatic fashion. Quinn led the two girls to a cafeteria table, and the three seated themselves leaning in close to gossip.

"Why not?" Santana challenged. Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Our freak quota is over the limit as is. It's bad enough we have Berry, do we need an asylum escapee dragging glee club - and our reputations - through the mud?"

"He was in an asylum?" Santana's hushed whisper carried to another table where it incited another pocket of gossip.

"Yeah. For, like, years. His big brothers busted him out Mission-Impossible style. That's why they had to move states, so the people in white coats couldn't take him away."

"That's why?" Santana felt like the last piece of a jigsaw had been found.

"I'm still gonna make out with him." Brittany stated. Her friends looked at her. "I have a reputation to keep up. I have made out with every guy in this school, and I will make out with the new three as well. You have my solemn promise."

Santana looked at her. "You know what solemn means?"

Brittany shook her head. "No, but I've heard it used."

Quinn was observing the six Cullens sitting together at their isolated table. "They're actually really good-looking." She admitted grudgingly.

"Yeah, but I heard..." Santana paused to let the flies at the honey. Brittany spun in her seat, immediately conferring her full attention. Quinn didn't look but her head tilted fractionally in the other girl's direction. "They're all together. Like, in couples. The big one and the blonde, the short one and the Southern one, the lunatic and the shy one."

Brittany's eyes got really wide. "But isn't that against the law? Like, inset?"

"Incest, sweetie." Santana corrected. "And no, because they're all adopted. Their foster parents are only, like, twenty."

"I already heard that," Quinn dismissed. "I don't think it's true. Do they look couple-y to you?"

"The blonde is sitting on the big one's lap," Brittany said uncertainly.

"Case in point. They're all single. I wonder if the big one will try out for the football team. I might date him, if he did.." Quinn gazed off into the distance.

"He won't." Santana had more information to share. "They're completely unathletic. Their doctor daddy had them excused from all contact sports."

Quinn was disbelieving. "With those muscles?"

"I was shocked too, but they couldn't even run a mile in Gym. They were falling over, and gasping for breath. The blond guy was even crawling."

"No!" Brittany was actually following this conversation. Santana reveled in a captive audience.

"Except the brunette. She's like a drill sergeant. She kept screaming at them to cut it out, and quit messing. She kept saying 'I wasn't like that'." Even Quinn was avidly following now. Santana wracked her brain for more details.

"The crazy one might be sporty. The others kept throwing themselves at him, and clinging to his legs yelling 'Help me Edward, I'm such a clumsy human'."

"Weird." Was Quinn's verdict. Over at their table, the Cullens were in convulsions of laughter, except Bella, who seemed to be throwing a tantrum. Edward was trying to calm her, but was hindered by giggling fits.

"It's not funny!" She snarled. "I was never that bad! I could have run a mile when I was human!"

"Of course, love," Edward soothed. The effect was ruined when he snorted with laughter. Alice was banging her little fists off the table. The plastic was cracking.

"Drill sergeant...I needed something to cheer me up." She mimed wiping her eyes. Jasper placed a hand lightly on her arm, and she went off laughing again. Bella glared suspiciously.

"You're making this funnier than it is."

Jasper shrugged. "She needed something to cheer her up."

Bella was outraged. "That's not fair!"

"Bella, I've lived too long to be killed over a beret." Jasper finished the debate. Unfortunately, Alice heard the B word and sobered immediately, looking like a cross between a mourner and a woman intending to cause a funeral. Jasper switched off the mirth instantly, and the Cullens found themselves sitting up straight with solemn, fearful expressions.

"My beret." Her voice was quiet, but she crushed the multivitamin juice carton in her hands, and purple liquid streamed through her fingers, falling drop by drop to the floor. Jasper flinched at every drip sound. Rosalie was hushed and wary, yet still curious.

"What happened, Alice?" Every vampire at the table waited silently for the tale. Alice bared her teeth at the memory, and Jasper's face twisted with horror.

"He took my beret." Alice spat.

"Who?" Bella encouraged. Alice shook her head.

"You don't know him."

"Describe him, then." She insisted. Alice concentrated.

"Stylish." She informed them in a monotone. Emmett began entering the description into a police face construction app on his iPhone. "Short boyfriend." She continued. "Standing over there."

Emmett looked up from his phone screen. "Alice, this thing says it needs more detail. Wait, what was that last?"

As one, the Cullens turned to ogle Kurt, who was entering the cafeteria flanked by Blaine on one side, and Finn on the other. Finn was blushing, and Blaine appeared to be saying something motivational. Edward narrowed his eyes at them.

"Guys, I'm hearing some strange things in their thoughts, I think they're planning..." Realisation and horror dawned on his face. He stood, pulling Bella to her feet. "We have to get out of here!"

The rest of the Cullens got up. "What's going on?" Emmett snapped, scanning the cafeteria for threats. Edward was desperately searching for a clear route to the exit. He raked his fingers through his hair, then realised he was making it stick up and tried frantically to flatten it.

"Edward, calm down and tell us what's happening." Bella ordered.

"We're too late." He moaned, then crumpled into his seat, covering his hair.

Finn climbed onto a table, and cleared his throat.

"Oh, Edward,

Your hair is so special,

It is the the specialest thing ever,

The first time I saw it you were screaming about voices,

Then I heard you had schizophrenia.

It is all kinds of red and gold colours,

But not ginger.

And not really blond either. I get the feeling you're smart.

'Cause your hair sticks up all over the place.

Like Einstein's."

There was a terrible silence in William McKinley High cafeteria. One guy clapped hesitantly, but was shushed by his friends. Blaine was calmly starting into a new cup of coffee, and Kurt had his back turned, pretending he didn't know his stepbrother. Bella had her hand over her mouth. Edward was glaring murderously. Emmett was saving the recording to his phone. Time froze, and no-one said anything. Finn looked hopefully at Edward. Miss Pillsbury arrived, and helped him down from the table, then led him away.

"That was interesting, Finn, what you did just now in the cafeteria." Emma commented, busy polishing something. Finn didn't really like Miss Pillsbury's office. He associated it with his past mistakes and failures, and he didn't want to be here now, when he should be having a meaningful discussion with Edward about his poem, and the moment that had passed between them in the cafeteria, when they had gazed intensely into each other's eyes.

"I expressed my true feelings." Finn declared. Emma's eyes got wider.

"Well, Finn that's great, but you know, at your age there are lots of feelings, and it's hard to know which are the true ones, isn't it?" She nodded nervously, and smiled at him.

"I know I feel about Edward." He said stoutly.

"Do you Finn? I mean, you've only just met him."

"Miss Pillsbury, there are soul-deep connections between people that cannot be denied." Emma experienced the sensation of whacking her head off a brick wall. She grasped at straws.

"Aren't you dating Rachel?"

"I've found my other half." Finn deflected.

"Isn't Edward in a relationship with his adopted sister?" Emma's nose wrinkled as she said that.

"Haven't you talked to Quinn?" Finn asked. "There's no way that's true."

"You can't love him!" Emma was exasperated.

Finn looked confused. "Why not?"

"You don't know anything about him." She explained. "As a person."

Finn frowned, like he was making a great effort to understand something. "Are you saying...we need couples counselling?"

This conversation was adding years to Emma. "Do you think you need couples counselling?" She said wearily. Finn nodded happily.

"Then I'll pencil you in for tomorrow." She pulled up her schedule on the computer. "You too have Spanish together, right?"

"We're leaving this school." Edward hissed.

"No we're not, we have glee club auditions this evening." Jasper pointed out. It was raining heavily, so the Cullens were the only people in the carpark.

"Come on, Edward." Bella complained. "So one kid has a crush on you. Build a bridge!"

Edward faced her. "That was humiliating!"

"Why do you care what a bunch of high school humans think of you?" Rosalie demanded.

Edward shook his head. "You're right, I don't. That was just unexpected. And weird."

Emmett played a segment in the background.

"Your hair is so special,

It is the the specialest thing ever - "

Edward dived to smash the phone but Emmett whipped it out of the way.

"So we're staying at McKinley then?" Rosalie clarified. Edward nodded.

"Of course we are." Alice announced. "We must stay until I have carried off my dastardly scheme to recover my beret. Come Jasper! We must plot evilly!" She swept from the group, Jasper trailing behind her.

"We need to monitor her reading material." Bella decided. Everyone made noises of agreement. The school bell rang for the beginning of the next class.

"Last class before the auditions!" Emmett reminded his dispersing siblings.


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter is dedicated to Klainebowsandpercabeth, who sent me the nicest review ever.**

Ms Cairns wanted to go home. It had been a long, coffee deprived day. She had overslept, and the direct and awful results of that were a) She hadn't had coffee in nearing twenty hours, and b) She had only had time to put makeup on her left eye. At first, she had thought one eye was better than none, but a day full of sniggering students had altered her opinion somewhat. Her mouth felt dry and she felt sluggish and heavy. She was desperate for coffee. She had tried to confiscate a Starbucks cup from Blaine Anderson a few classes earlier, but he had gone berserk and started hurling textbooks at her head. She backed away slowly after he kicked his desk over in a rage. The students from her last class of the day - Thank God - began traipsing in. Two approached her desk. She twisted to look up at them, the Glare of Doom she'd perfected while training to be a teacher appearing on her face. A pair of the palest and most attractive teenagers she'd ever seen reared back in horror. She took a moment to check them out.

"We're the new students," The shorter one with untidy auburn hair rushed out, stopping her train of thought. "Edward and Emmett Cullen?"

"He means Emmett and Edward Cullen." The brawny one amended. The redhead rolled his eyes but stayed silent.

"Yes." Ms Cairns' head bobbed back and forth between the both of them, unsure which to stare at first. "Please take a seat. Welcome to your History class."

A guy sitting in the front row looked up suddenly. "This is a History class?!" He gathered his books and exited the room. The blonde girl in the seat next to his gaped. "He's been sitting there for weeks!" She announced. Emmett hesitantly took the guy's seat, and Edward sat behind him. Ms Cairns focused her staring on Emmett. His eyebrows pulled down and he peered with great concentration at her eyes. Edward kicked his chair.

"What?" Emmett hissed too low for human ears, still absorbed by Ms Cairns' eyes.

"Stop looking! She thinks you two are 'gazing deeply into each other's souls'." Edward shuddered as he pronounced that, speaking at the same volume. Emmett looked disgusted. "There's something wrong about her eyes." He told his brother.

"She has make-up on one, but not the other." Edward explained. Emmett looked back to verify this. "That's it!" Emmett exclaimed at a very audible pitch. The entire class joined Ms Cairns in staring at him, minus Edward, who executed a precise facepalm.

"Should...should we do something Ms Cairns?" Emmett suggested, avoiding everyone's eyes. She blinked at him. "You and I, Emmett?" She licked some food off the corner of her mouth suggestively.

"Gah! No! No! The class! The class needs to...work! Study or...something." Emmett leaned backwards in his chair as far as possible. She looked disappointed. "Right. Do something out of your books, kids."

Emmett looked confused and opened his mouth. Edward grabbed his shoulder. "Don't. Just avoid talking to her, or meeting her eyes, or anything for the rest of class. Her mind is a horrific place. You wouldn't believe what she was reading before class...she's still thinking about someone called Christian Grey..." He swallowed, wincing. Emmett awkwardly patted his hand in comfort.

"OhmyGod." The girl sitting next to Emmett drawled through her chewing gum. "Are you two, like, cheating on Finn Hudson?" She peered at them through sticky black eyelashes. Emmett shoved Edward away. "No! I have a girlfriend!"

"Oh." Came the sorrowful voice of Ms. Cairns, who had apparently been listening. Emmett shook his head. Chewing-gum Girl perked up instantly.

"Yay! I'm so glad you and Finn are still going strong! I love you two! I totally ship you! Finnward forever!"She bounced in her seat as she screamed this. Edward's mouth fell open and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Apparently, vampires can get headaches." He mumbled, then louder, said. "Look, miss, Finn Hudson and I are.."

"In love!" Emmett proclaimed, grinning like a madman. "Oh yes," he went on, nodding at Edward's horrified and furious expression. "These two are one lovey-dovey couple. They were made to be together."

Chewing-gum girl, and several other girls in the class, leaned closer to listen. "They're just so right for each other, you know? It's so romantic. From the first moment their eyes met across that cafeteria, it was destiny." Emmett racked his brains for something else tortured and Edward-y to say. "Finn is his life now." Edward made a choked noise, baring his teeth. Emmett smiled evilly. "I totally boat them."

Chewing-gum girl and her cohorts didn't understand, then one girl's eyes lit up. You mean you ship them! It's like the end of relationship." She explained. Everyone went ahhh, and nodded sagely. Edward appeared to have lost the ability to vocalise in the face of insanity. One girl looked suspicious. "How hard do you ship them?" She demanded. Emmett looked uncomfortable. "What do you mean?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Do you have the T-shirt?" She unzipped her jacket, and sure enough, 'Finnward' was emblazoned across her chest. Edward's whole face sort of crumpled in on itself. He closed his eyes and opened them again like it would rid the world of the despicable object in front of him. "How...how?" His voice was hoarse. "That...it, only happened 20 minutes ago."

She looked smug. "I know people." Emmett started laughing hysterically. Edward looked lost. "Did the letters have to be pink?"

"Mine has green letters." Another girl offered. Edward turned in his seat to face the unspeakable awfulness of 14 girls wearing Finnward T-shirts in assorted colours beaming haplessly at him. To hell with it, he decided, they already think I have schizophrenia. He quietly and calmly got off his chair and curled into a ball under his desk, where he promptly began rocking back and forth muttering to himself. The girls looked at him questioningly. Emmett pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. "And somehow, Finn loves him anyway." Everyone sighed.

"Finn?" It was Rachel. Finn felt like he was in slow-motion as he turned to face her. "Rachel..."

She looked really, really serious. Her eyebrows were all scrunched together. "We need to talk." Finn's stomach abruptly took an unplanned vacation. He swallowed nervously. "I can explain -" But she had already started talking.

"It's about our main song for Nationals. I want it to be my solo. I know there was some talk of us doing a duet, but on consideration, I've found that I'm the sort of star who shines brighter when tall people aren't blocking my radiance." She looked up at him apologetically. "I hope you don't mind?"

Finn was flying on a cloud of cautious relief. "No, no. You shine bright, I get that. Was...was that all you wanted to talk about?" She smiled. "I think so." He regarded her. "What about what happened in the cafeteria?"

"What happened in the cafeteria?" She wasn't looking at him, leafing through her planner. He felt like a fish that had wriggled off the hook. "They had new food."

"Well, you care more about that than I do," she said absently. "By the way, would you carry this for me?" She held out a bucket of sand. "Blaine thought I would need this, but I can't figure out what for. Shall we go to Glee?" He followed her down the corridor past a gaggle of singing Finnward shippers. Jasper and Alice emerged from a dark alcove as they passed. "Are we finished plotting now?"

"Yes, Jasper, we're finished plotting - for now. But we must.." She trailed off. "What is that catchy tune?"

Jasper listened carefully. "It sounds like 'Friday' by Rebecca Black...but the words are different." Alice frowned. "I know those words from somewhere..." She said uncertainly.

"Oh, Edward,

Your hair is so special,

It is the the specialest thing ever,

The first time I saw it you were screaming about voices,"

Jasper's eyes widened. "That's the..."

"Do not say poem." The words were spat darkly. Edward loomed between them. "That thing, is not a poem."

"It's a song now," Alice agreed. Edward clenched his teeth.

"Wait 'til you hear the chorus!" Emmett yelled from the throng of fangirls. "Dance moves, everyone!"

"It's Finnward, Finnward, everyone's gotta love Finnward. It's Finn and Edward together-ether! Finnward, Finnward - "

Jasper got caught up in the enthusiasm and began dancing his way towards the singers. One grabbed him and began teaching him the dance moves. She turned a little towards Edward and Alice, and he shouted when he recognised her.

"Bella! How could you?!" She stopped dancing guiltily. "I'm just having some fun, Edward. This is what happens when you freeze a girl forever at eighteen. I have fangirl instincts." She hastily folded her arms over her T-shirt.

Mr. Shue found it difficult to get into the choir room past the fangirls. He made mental note to ask Emma what Finnward was. He hoped it wasn't a new social networking site. Those things were just media for bullies. He had been pleasantly surprised to find six names on the audition sheet, the new kids actually. Two of them were in his Spanish class. The kids, unfortunately, weren't as happy.

"No way, Mr. Schue! They are literal pyschos! They could kill us in our sleep!" Puck objected. Brittany leaned over to ask Santana: "Do we sleep in the choir room? I thought we slept in bedrooms?"

"Hey!" Finn yelled over him. "Discriminating goes against everything this club stands for."

"I'm with Finn," Kurt put in. Mercedes 'mmm-hmm'ed in agreement.

"But - " Quinn started. "That's enough." Mr. Schue cut her off. "This club has always been a haven of inclusion, of equality, of - " He got really into his speech, wildly gesturing. The Glee kids and their short attention spans were unable to cope. Artie watched a fly crawl along the wall behind Mr. Shue's head.

" - the basic principles of modern society - "

"Excuse me," a voice commonly described as velvet interrupted. "Is this the Glee club?"

The entire club swivelled to stare down the voice, and found six of the hottest teenagers in the universe assembled in casually dramatic poses at the door. "Yes." Brad had to clarify, as everyone else seemed speechless. This shocked everyone out of their trance-like states.

"You can talk?" Puck asked bluntly. Brad didn't answer. "No way," Sam breathed. "I always thought he lost his tongue in a tragic accident as a kid, and had to use the piano to communicate." He looked around. "Did no-one else hear that rumour?" People shook their heads.

"We're the Cullens." Edward said. There was a dramatic moment. Somewhere, someone turned a wind machine on. Brad's fingers itched to play a few bars of something appropriate to the mood. Bella was ecstatic to join in on one of the family's mysterious, brooding looks. She'd been on the receiving end so many times.

"Well," Mr. Shue announced. "Let's start the auditions."

Jasper went first. He was suddenly enthusiastic. Edward couldn't hear what he was planning, but he was understandably nervous.

"Oh, Edward,

Your hair is so special,

It is the the specialest thing ever,"

Clearly, the fangirl atmosphere had not yet worn off. Edward sat stony-faced through the whole thing. Bella held his hand for moral support, but any good this did was counteracted by Finn trying to peer at his love's expression not-so-subtly. The performance reached an all-time low, when Jasper ripped his sweater off at the end of the second chorus to reveal his Finnward T-shirt.

Edward went next. He needed to dispel his excess angst. He closed his eyes, sat on the piano stool, and ran through a few bars of Bella's lullaby to keep him sane. This was an arguable method. Bella smiled, touched, then dropped her jaw as he launched into possibly the most un-Edward song she'd ever heard.

"You don't know me, baby, but I've seen you around.

It might be kind of crazy, but I'm just new in town.

And now I wonder what you'd think if I said, hey look

I'd like to get your number and a link to your Facebook."

Emmett looked wounded when Edward sat back down. "You told us it was about your struggle with life, not about Bella."

Edward was contemplative. "It's sort of about both, isn't it? It's a song with so much meaning."

"Completely." Bella agreed sarcastically. Alice rose from her plastic chair. "My turn," She said, pulling a pair of dark sunglasses from nowhere onto her eyes.

"This song is dedicated to Kurt Hummel." She levelled a basilisk glare at Kurt, who folded his arms and raised his eyebrows challengingly. "Bring it on, pixie."

"Now go stand in the corner, and think about what you did.

This story starts when it was hot and it was summer and,

I had it all, I had it right where I wanted it.

He came along, got it alone, and let's hear the applause -

He took it faster than you can say sabotage."

This performance was going better than the others, but in the second verse Alice was overcome by the message of the song, and began screeching at Kurt.

"It's my beret! Mine! I will have it! I will have my revenge! Did you hear that song?! Be afraid, Kurt Hummel, be very afraid! There's nothing I do better than revenge! Nothing!"

Emmett, Edward and Jasper quietly manhandled her off the stage. Her yelling faded into the distance.

"You underestimated just who you were dealing with! Alice Cullen always gets her hat!"

Bella sighed altruistically, and got up to perform. She stared fixedly at her feet and mumbled her way through 'Happy Birthday'. There was a lot of "What's she singing?" and "Can you hear anything?" going on in the audience. Bella moved a little bit faster than humanly possible getting off the stage.

Then, the stage went dark. There was a dramatic clashing of chords on the piano as a single spotlight came to life in the centre stage. There stood Emmett, with a hat tipped rakishly over one eye. Another two spotlights came on, and swooped over the audience. Emmett tossed his hat, and Rosalie snatched it from Quinn's grasp.

"Lala kahle

In the jungle, the mighty jungle

The grizzly sleeps tonight

In the jungle, the mighty jungle

The grizzly sleeps tonight

Imbube

Ingonyama ifile

Ingonyama ilele

Thula

Near the village, the peaceful village"

It was by far the most exciting performance yet. Rachel was taken aback. "Finn!" She hissed.

"What?"

"Did you know we had smoke machines?"

Emmett bowed and blew kisses to the audience as he descended from the stage. "Knock it off," Rose told him as he sat down. He obliged, hanging his head. Mr. Shue cleared his throat.

"Well, just you left, Rosalie." He gestured to the stage. She crossed her legs. "I don't sing."

"Well, if you'd like to dance - "

"I don't dance."

"What would you like to - "

"Nothing."

Mr. Shue frowned, then shrugged. "Right. Well if the Glee club could follow me for a club vote we'll be back in a minute."

The Glee kids trooped out, and the vampires and Brad were alone in the shadowy auditorium.

"Okay, so that was a range of interesting performances." Mr Shue began. Finn interrupted him.

"Edward's performance was soulful. Soulful, Mr. Shue. You have to let him in."

Mr. Shue considered. "He can play piano very well. Any objections?" Everyone eyed Rachel expectantly. She hummed scales obliviously. Mr. Shue wrote Edward Cullen on a list.

"Before anyone says anything else," Puck announced. "We're letting Blondie in."

"The...the one who didn't perform?" Mr. Shue asked in disbelief. Puck nodded. "Why?!" Mr Shue questioned. Puck rolled his eyes.

"She's hot." He explained. "She's the hottest thing since hotness was invented."

"Seconded." Someone with a girlfriend coughed. Mr. Shue couldn't refute it. Rosalie Hale was added to the list, then Mr. Shue looked up. "We want Emmett, right?"

"He's a natural performer, like myself." Rachel enthused. "We all slip up on song choice now and then."

"Run, Joey, Run." Kurt coughed. Emmett Cullen joined the list. "Now, we're not having Happy Birthday Girl." Mr. Shue decided.

"Hold up, Mr. Shue," Mercedes raised her hand. "That girl has a nice voice. She just has some confidence issues."

"Mercedes, we can't really..." Mr. Shue had a sinking feeling.

"Can I remind you all, that girl is adopted? She probably has a really tragic past, poor thing. So, I am taking it upon myself to help her with her confidence and security. I'll make a diva out of her. And I think that joining Glee club is an important step for her, don't you think Mr. Shue?"

Mr. Shue's shoulders slumped. "Yes, Mercedes. Rachel, do you have an issue with the short girl?"

"She's distracted, and possibly mentally unsound. I don't feel threatened."

Kurt grinned. "Let her in Mr. Shue. I'll kick her ass at show choir, and in the mall."

"So, that just leaves Jasper." Mr Shue looked around. "Does he remind anyone else of Brittany?"

"I'm not the only one thinking that!"

"You see it too?"

"It's like he's her secret twin! Britt, could you have a secret twin?"

"Lord Tubbington is my secret twin." She answered seriously. Mr. Shue just wrote Jasper Hale on the list. "Let's go tell them then!" He roused. No-one cheered. "Can I come?" Finn asked eagerly. Mr. Shue sighed. "Anyone who wants to can come."

The Cullens and Brad were still standing silently in the same positions they had been left Shue somehow mustered a beaming smile, as he said the words that were to change all their lives forever. (Dun-dun-dun)

"Emmett, Alice, Edward and Bella Cullen, Rosalie and Jasper Hale, welcome to Glee club!"

Their expressions ranged from unbridled joy (Jasper), to horrified disbelief (Rosalie and Bella), to manic evil smirks (Alice).

**When this story makes it to 20 reviews I will update. It's only six more!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you all so much for your reviews! I'm a day late updating this, but I hope you'll forgive me.**

Esme was waiting in the foyer when the 'children' got on from school, wearing a floral-print dress and perched elegantly on the edge of a fouton. She had a toy poodle in her lap, as the five real ones had run away from the vampires, or been tragically eaten, courtesy of Jasper and on one memorable occasion, Edward.

"Well, dears." She beamed genially. "How did it go?"

"I can't believe they let me in." Bella said. She had been repeating this on a loop the entire drive home.

"They must be desperate for people. They let me in, and I didn't even do anything." Rosalie sympathised dully.

Bella shook her head, almost shellshocked. "I just...I thought the plan was foolproof."

Rosalie put a hand on her shoulder. "We all did. It was the Titanic of plans. No-one could have predicted this."

Right on cue, Alice popped up like an evil, clairvoyant puppet. "I told you we'd all get in." She cackled through her blindingly creepy grin.

"What have you learned?"

"Never bet against - " Rose and Bella rhymed off defeatedly.

"Never bet against Alice!" Alice shrieked manically, then ran off to her room to plot the recapture of her beret, Jasper in tow. There was a pause, then Esme clapped her hands.

"So, you all got in! Congratulations!" She trilled. Rose and Bella slumped off to sulk in front of MTV and Emmett started giving a blow-by-blow narration of his epic performance.

"The stage was pitch-dark. You could hear the audience oohing. It was beyond anything that Glee club had ever heard."

Esme smiled politely. Edward stomped in from parking the Volvo, and tossed his bag at the wall hard enough to knock off sections of paint and dusty brick. The polite smile morphed into a vicious, snarling grimace and Esme tackled her eldest son to the ground. Bella and Rosalie revived a little and watched the proceedings with mild interest.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt the wall! I'll fix it, I'll pay for it, I swear!"

Esme kept on growling like an enraged animal. Bella muted 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air'. The purr of a familiar engine could be heard coming up the driveway, and a few seconds later, Carlisle strode in the door. He was smiling brightly.

"How are we all today- " His sentence choked off abruptly as he caught sight of his murderous wife and backed out the door so fast he left an afterimage. "Coward!" Edward hollered at him, then went back to cringing against the floorboards in fear. He played a desperate card. "Jasper, calm Esme down now, or Alice shall know the true events of September 9th, 1975."

Jasper materialised at the bottom of the staircase with his arms full of rolled-up sheets of diagrams and evil plot outlines. "You wouldn't."

Edward craned his neck to look at him. "My mother has me in a Delfin Clutch. You can't say what I wouldn't do right now."

Jasper regarded him. The two stared at each other. Then Jasper broke eye contact and Esme beamed happily, letting Edward up. "I think I'll make cookies. Would you like cookies, Bella?"

Bella was grumpy now the entertainment was finished. "I haven't eaten human food in thirty-four years, Esme." Then her gaze fell on Edward, who was massaging his damaged neck, and she hastily amended that statement. "And that has made me so hungry for cookies! Yay for Esme's cookies!"

Esme trotted off to the kitchen, delighted. Bella groaned. "Human food all tastes like processed vomit."

Esme's sugary voice drifted from the kitchen. "Bella, don't you just love the way I'm a vampire with supersonic hearing?"

"Yes, Esme." Bella's knee-jerk reaction was borne of fear. Carlisle had evidently decided that Esme had probably calmed, or at least taken her anger out on someone else, for he sneaked in the door clutching his pretext, the mail. Edward rewarded him with a withering scowl. He sheepishly sorted through the stack of envelopes.

"White or milk chocolate, Bella?" Esme waltzed back into the connected living room and hall. Bella looked tortured. "Talk about twisting your own noose," Rose mumbled.

"White." Bella condemned herself. Carlisle hmmed, examining an interesting piece of mail. Edward dithered between comforting Bella, and playing the piano. He eventually succumbed to the temptation of self-pitying minor scales.

"Edward!" Carlisle sounded shocked.

Edward whipped around on the piano stool. "What?"

"I just got a letter from the school counsellor!"

Emmett started grinning in anticipation. Esme poked her head out of the kitchen. "Is it about his schizophrenia?"

"If it is, I think he should go. For appearances' sake and all." Jasper recommended, proving that his wife's evil had, in fact, transferred by osmosis. Emmett's grin was so wide it looked like he was trying to swallow his own head. It was only by virtue of being a vampire he managed to make this look attractive. "I think so too. He's studied psychiatry, he can fake the symptoms."

Edward didn't react at all to his brother's teasing, worryingly enough. He just stared listlessly at Carlisle, his mouth hanging open.

"It is about the schizophrenia, isn't it Carlisle?" Bella ventured nervously.

"No." Carlisle answered amidst general gasps. Edward didn't so much as twitch, having already heard all this in Carlisle's thoughts. Carlisle glanced over at him before hesitantly reading out:

"Doctor and Mrs Cullen,

On behalf of the McKinley High counselling department, Miss Emma Pillsbury (student counsellor) requests your signatures on the attached permission slip, authorising your child to attend couples' counselling with Miss Pillsbury -"

There was a shriek and Edward was wrestled to the ground for the second time, now by his wife rather than his mother. Emmett's video camera made a reappearance as Bella started flinging punches.

"I can't believe you signed us up for couples' counselling without consulting me! Actually, I can believe it. This sort of unilateral decision is just like you!"

"I didn't do it!" Edward choked around the stranglehold Bella had on his neck. There was no respite from the punches. Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Er...He's telling the truth, Bella. This says Finn Hudson arranged couples' counselling for himself and Edward."

Bella's fist froze in mid-air. "Say that name again."

"Edward?" Carlisle guessed.

"No! The other one!" She snarled.

"Finn Hudson?"

Bella let Edward stand. "Finn Hudson." She growled, much the same way she used to say 'Tanya Denali' before what went down in Cullen family history as 'The Anchorage Affair'.

Meanwhile, in Teletubby land - no, sorry, Burt Hummel's house. *Cough* - Finn was confiding his innermost thoughts and feelings to his stepbrother and stepbrother's boyfriend, both of whom really wished he would leave so they could go back to making out.

"- I'm just conflicted. I'm not sure he really appreciated the deeper meaning of the poem."

"Yeah, I got that sense." Kurt muttered.

"I think it was the look of murderous horror on his face that gave it away," Blaine agreed.

Finn went on. And on. "I mean, it's a lot to take in, and he's probably overwhelmed by his own feelings - "

"Uh-huh." Blaine stated. Kurt just groaned. "He needs to leave." He hissed at Blaine, who flopped back on the bed so he was lying next to Kurt.

"Just tell me how." He replied. "I'll do anything at this point."

Kurt thought desperately. "Maybe we could make him search Lima for Edward's house. He can't read a map, it should take him a while."

Blaine considered. "Yeah, but wouldn't you feel bad if anything happened to him?"

Kurt glowered. "Any more of this drivel and I'm liable to be the one making 'things' happen to him. Bad things."

" - but I'm thinking maybe I should've mentioned something to him at the auditions, y'know?"

"About the magical love between you?" Blaine asked tiredly.

"No, well, yes. But more about the couples' counselling I signed us up for."

An awful silence seeped into Kurt Hummel's bedroom. The kind of silence that whispers 'He didn't just say what I think he said, did he?'.

Kurt spoke with forced calm, the calm of a man about to do something that will earn him at least a life sentence.

"Finn...Did you arrange to have couples' counselling with Edward Cullen?"

Finn nodded. A manic, fixed smile grew on Kurt's face and he looked not unlike the Joker from Batman.

"Oh. And what are your problems, as a couple?"

"Well, I wouldn't say problems - " Finn began.

"Could they be," Kurt cut across him. "That he is unaware you are a couple? That you have only had one conversation with him? That he knows nothing about you, other than the fact you write poetry that is a sin against nature? That he has a girlfriend? That you've only known him for less than two days? Are any of these problems in your relationship, Finn?!"

His voice got louder and louder, and he was yelling at the end. Finn looked pleasantly befuddled. "Umm.." He said. "I only caught about half of that..."

Kurt put his head in his hands. "Just leave. Blaine and I want to make out like the horny teenagers we are."

"I prefer dapper as an adjective," Blaine contributed. Finn finally got the memo and left.

"Close the door!" Kurt screamed after him.

Emma Pillsbury was up hours before school began the next morning. But this was all very necessary. She was not going to waste any time at all. She showered painstakingly, dressed meticulously and ate breakfast very neatly, without getting a single crumb on her cardigan. She re-lined her shoes in precise rows, lest any of them had become untidy during the night. She obeyed all the rules of the road as she drove to McKinley High in her squeaky-clean car and parked exactly in the centre of her usual parking spot.

She unlocked her office and straightened the books on her shelves before sitting carefully in her chair and waiting with a falsely perky smile affixed to her face for her first appointment to arrive. Finn Hudson knocked on her door at three minutes past nine and she gestured for him to sit down. She noted with pleased surprise that his appearance was markedly less scruffy than was his custom. Granted, his collar was still askew and he had skipped a button on his shirt, but it seemed he had made an effort.

Twelve minutes later, two of the good-looking new students had an aggressive PDA session against her office door. She dithered about breaking them up for seven minutes before they came up for air and he grumpily opened the door and stuck one foot into her office. "I'll see you in Biology, Edward." The lovely brunette told him before sauntering away with a smug expression. Finn looked stricken. Edward slouched in one of her chairs. She tried to avoid looking at his messy disarray of hair, but it still hovered upsettingly in the corner of her eye. The two boys met each other's gazes, Edward glaring balefully, Finn starry-eyed. Emma clapped her hands and turned up the wattage on the perky beam.

"So! What would you like to start with?"


	8. Chapter 8

"Hello, Bella Cullen."

Bella stiffened in fright and crushed the handle of her locker to metal dust.

"Who are you? How did you sneak up on me? What do you want?" Belatedly, Bella realised she could, in fact, hear a heartbeat from the human standing staring at her and wondered how she could've missed it before. She was probably preoccupied worrying about her poor husband, once again trapped in couples' counselling with a random teenage boy...this was Mike Newton all over again...Poor Edward was probably having flashbacks.

"I'm Mercedes Jones." The girl introduced herself. Bella held out a hand for her to shake. "You seem to know who I am. Hold on..." Bella's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Are you in Glee club?"

Mercedes preened, giving Bella a warm and friendly smile. Unfortunately, Bella's vampire instincts perceived the bared teeth as a threat. "Yes!" Mercedes answered. "That's why I wanted to talk to you!" She was overly cheerful and it was making Bella nervous, which was a reasonable reaction for anyone who knew Emmett and Alice Cullen. "I couldn't help but notice, honey, you seem to have some confidence issues."

Bella spluttered indignantly. "You...you...you have a point. Carry on." Mercedes grinned widely at her.

"I can help you with that. I think you just need to face your fears and improve your self-esteem."

Bella's expression became more and more terrified as she went on. Her mouth dropped open by degrees. "No! You can't fool me! I live with Alice Cullen! I know those buzzwords. 'Help', 'Improve'," She spat. "You want to give me a makeover!" She accused. Mercedes shrugged, not denying it. "Amongst other things."

Bella twitched in horror. "Other things?" She croaked. "Ahhhh! Spa! Spa! Begone, foul demon!" She produced a canister of holy water from nowhere and started flicking droplets at Mercedes, who winced. "Cut it out! I won't take you to a spa, I promise!"

The vampire relaxed and stowed her weapon of choice. Mercedes cautiously continued speaking. "Don't you think should put a bit more effort into your clothes?"

Bella appeared genuinely taken aback. "Why would you say that?"

"Well," Mercedes hedged, trying to put this delicately. "When your boyfriend starts seeing other guys, it's generally taken as a hint, if you know what I mean."

"Huh." Bella nodded. "I've never looked at it like that before."

"It's just, no offence, but you look like a homeless old lady wrapped in a shapeless grey bag right now."

"It's cosy!" Bella defended her baggy hoodie. "Isn't it a men's hoodie?"

"Those are generally cosy!"

"Where did you even find that ratty thing? The side of the road?"

"Hey!" Bella took offence. "I bought it. In a shop." She shifted guiltily. "A charity shop."

Mercedes gave her a look that spoke sassy volumes. You could almost see Bella's backbone crumbling as she gave in to Mercedes stubbornness. "Girl, you need my help."

Bella nodded mutely, her shoulders slumped. Mercedes threw an arm around her and guided her towards the cafeteria. "Let's get some tots, then we'll talk about your posture." Bella looked pleasantly befuddled.

Now, please imagine a camera panning away from that image. Imagine the imagine shifting and tinting dark green, as though viewed through a pair of hi-tech, military binoculars. If you wish, you may even imagine an ominous beeping in the background. Now, visualise the aforementioned binoculars being pulled away from the glaring face of Rosalie Hale.

"So," she hissed. "They got to Bella."

Alice nodded solemnly at her elbow. "So they did."

"What the hell are you doing here?!"

Alice looked wounded. "It's a dramatic evil scene. I have to be in it."

"I..." Rosalie sighed and flipped her hair back off her face. "Get out of here, Alice. I'm not being evil, I'm trying to save my siblings from the demented clutches of McKinley High's Glee club."

"Ohhh." Alice said, then continued in a Grace Kelly voice. "Jasper, we're leaving."

Worryingly, Jasper did not immediately come scurrying out of the bushes to do Alice's bidding. Rosalie glanced around, confused, and Alice raised her voice. "Jasper! Jasper?" She looked put out.

"Here, boy," Rosalie contributed. Alice's face went blank and vacant. Rosalie watched her carefully. The short girl wavered and gasped, emerging from her vision. She was terror-struck. "Give me the binoculars!" She ordered. Rose handed them over wordlessly. Alice scanned the school grounds, then stopped outside a Spanish classroom. "No," she murmured. "No."

The binoculars tumbled from her grip and she fell after them, landing on her knees. Rosalie grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. "Alice, Alice."

She was dazed. "Jasper...cheerleader...dumb blonde..."

Rose gasped. "I don't believe it!"

Alice whimpered. "I've lost everything. My beret...my Jazzy..."

"And somewhere in the middle of that, your sanity," Rosalie mourned.

"I should have seen this coming," Alice sobbed. "I've just been so focused on Frankie lately..."

"Frankie?" Rose interrupted.

"Frankie the beret."

Rose stared distastefully, curling her lip like the socialite she once was. "I have to go find a normal Cullen to talk to." She excused herself, then frowned. "Wait a second...the only other normal Cullen is...Emmett? No!" She looked up at the sky. "Is this some kind of a joke to You? Emmett, the normal one? Do You think this is funny?"

Emmett had recruited unsuspecting freshmen as his backup dancers, and was currently, to use his phrase, 'dancing up a storm' onstage on the auditorium. He had unearthed a Lady Gaga costume from somewhere in the choir room, and was delightedly prancing around in a blue bubble dress.

"Okay!" He called to the freshmen some of whom were sort of getting into this, most of whom were pyschologically scarred. "Just follow my steps. Oh, and someone hit the stereo!"

He then commenced galloping on the spot and a gaggle of confused teenagers fell over each other trying to imitate him.

"Emmett!" Came the earsplitting shriek. He froze mid-jump with a guilt look then crashed to the ground and spun to face an extremely irate Rosalie.

"What," she asked frostily, "Do you think you are doing?"

Emmett decided his best hope for survival lay in being charmingly idiotic.

"It's 'Gangnam Style' Rosie!"

She glared daggers. He felt nervous. "It's, uh, really cool, look, watch!"

He proceeded to demonstrate with abandon. She stared for five seconds before shutting her eyes, taking a deep breath and storming away. She crashed into Edward outside the auditorium. "What - "

"You've thwarted my escape!" He cried. She raised her eyes to heaven as he desperately searched the corridor behind him, then sighed in relief and made a dash for the exit. Rose took a step back and spectated while Finn Hudson, assisted by a ginger woman, chased after him, caught him, and dragged him back into the counsellor's office by his ankles. He clawed at the floor helplessly.

The bell rang and the hallway flooded with students, who ignored Edward's screaming and begging as one.

"That's it," Rosalie announced to no-one in particular. "I'm finding a dark corner to hang upside-down in until school ends."

Rachel Berry caught up to Blaine in the corridor. "What's up?" She asked, tone friendly.

Blaine stiffened. "Absolutely nothing. I have nothing to hide. There are no secrets with Blaine Anderson. I know nothing about anything."

Rachel examined him curiously. "You know, it's funny you should mention that..."

"Nothing's funny." Blaine corrected her. "Nothing's ever funny."

"I need to tell you something." She informed him, then dragged him sideways into a broom cupboard. He yelped. She ignored it.

"Blaine, I have to confess. My heart no longer belongs to Finn." She bit her lip, looking deeply troubled. Blaine, by contrast, looked quizzical. "I'm sorry, could you enunciate?"

"I'm in love with someone. Who isn't Finn."

"Oh." Blaine responded wittily. She gave a heartfelt sigh. "I don't know what to do. Finn is a great guy, but..." She looked at him seriously with big brown eyes. "Blaine, you know that feeling you get when your conscience is telling you to go one way, but your heart, oh, your heart just wants to take wing like a free and beautiful bird and soar to the bosom of your love."

Blaine's eyebrows scrunched together and his mouth hung open. He found his voice. "No I bloody well don't! You know why? 'Cause I'm normal! Say it with me, nor-mal! Mother of Christ, if I have to listen to one more shovel-load of romantic crap from you, or Finn, or anyone else, I swear by my dapper underpants I'm going to take a chainsaw to the person spouting it!"

Rachel smiled, unperturbed. "That's because you don't know him. If you did, you'd understand."

"It's Edward Cullen, isn't it?" He fumed. She gasped.

"How did you - "

"Do you know what I'm gonna do to that tortured, romantic figure? I'm gonna - "

"What, Blaine?" Rachel was getting really upset, and to Blaine's alarm, tearful. "What will you do? Will you throw eggs at him? Coat him with liquid chicken foetus?"

Blaine rubbed his eyes to ward off an impending headache. Rachel's voice softened. "I'm still wounded, Blaine. And I feel in my heart and soul that Edward Cullen is the only one who can chase away the mother chickens that haunt me."

"Wow." A third voice came out of the darkness. "In my day, we used to say 'make my life complete' or 'light up my world' but this chicken stuff just takes it to a whole other level."

"AHHHH! AHHHHH! Who's there? Who's there? Blaine, turn on the light!"

"I'm trying, you're closer to it than I am!"

"Try faster, try faster! AHHHHH!"

Blaine finally managed to wriggle around Rachel to switch the light on. The blonde woman hanging upside down from the ceiling hissed and flinched away from the bulb.

"Sorry, sorry!" Blaine shouted. "We'll just find our own cupboard, shall we?"

He flicked off the light and ushered Rachel into the hallway.

"Bye." Rosalie called as he shut the door.

Later that day, the Cullen siblings all sat around the dining room table glaring at each other. Well, most of them were glaring. Some were actually huddled under the table, whimpering (Edward) and others just looked pleasantly confused (Jasper).

"Alright." Esme took charge of the situation. "Let's clear the air. Rosalie, you start. What's the problem?"

"Oh, I have so many problems." She seethed. "So. Many. Problems." At each word, she pierced a different sibling with her glare, and Emmett, Alice and Bella all winced respectively. "However, my main problem right now..." She paused and everyone held their breath. "Is you, Jasper Whitlock."

He jolted out of his daze. "What?"

"What?" Everyone else echoed. Rosalie stood and levelled an accusing finger at him.

"Ninety-two years Alice has stood by you, through murder attempted and successful, through that one episode with the hockey stick, through random visits from Maria, despite your unfortunate haircut and you cheat on her with a dumb cheerleader in a short skirt!"

The gasps of horror were both horrified and horrific. Edward crawled out from underneath the table to defend his favourite sister's honour.

"Say it ain't so!" Bella screamed.

"It ain't so!" Jasper answered promptly. She relaxed. "Oh, good."

"Lies!" Rosalie screeched. "He was with her today! Alice had a vision! I used my military binoculars!"

"What?" Esme queried. "Is anyone else throughly lost?"

Carlisle and Bella tentatively raised their hands. "Put your hand down, Bella dear, you don't count, you never know what's going on."

Bella's lower lip trembled as she retracted her arm. Jasper was genuinely distressed.

"I would never cheat on Alice! Ever! I love her!" He turned to gaze into her eyes. "I love you, Allie-Issie."

She sighed. "I love you too, Jazzy-baby. And don't worry, I know you'd never cheat on me."

"But what about what we saw?!" Rose demanded. Alice got a haunted look in her eyes. "Oh, he wasn't cheating on me." She stared off into the distance. "But it would almost be better than...this." Lightning flashed outside the window.

"Look at that storm!" Emmett grumbled. "We're missing a prime baseball opportunity to sit here discussing our feelings." He was disgusted.

"What was Jasper doing, Alice?" Esme asked in a hushed whisper. The haunted look became more pronounced.

"I don't know if I can say it, Esme..."

"Try." Esme urged. Alice's mouth twisted.

"Jasper...my husband...has joined - "

" - co-founded." Jasper interjected. Alice wanted to cry.

"Co-founded," she managed to say. "A Dumb Blond's Club."

There was a terrible, terrible silence which Edward and Emmett broke by roaring with laughter.

"How?" Carlisle asked weakly. Rosalie flipped her hair furiously.

"I find that offensive!"

"Wait, wait, wait." Bella leaped to her feet. "Let me try." She took a breath and failed to flip her hair, getting her hand tangled in a knot. After extricating her fingers, she went on. "I find that offensive!" She beamed at everyone.

"Rosalie was more impressive." Emmett said bluntly. Her smile wilted a little.

"What are you doing, love?" Edward asked carefully.

"I'm practising my sass!" She told him proudly.

"Ah."

"How?" Carlisle asked again. "Jasper, son, how could it have come to this?"

"Stop looking at me like that!" Jasper yelled defensively. "I'm proud of my club!"

Emmett went into hysterics. "Oh God," He gasped. "It's a good thing I don't need to breathe."

"Brittany and I founded it, to celebrate all we have in common." Jasper declared defiantly, to a backing track of Emmett's laughter.

Esme was at a loss. "Jasper, you're a military strategist...a philosopher..."

"It's the cheerleader!" Alice sobbed out. "He gets caught up in her emotions and he can't do anything, he just gets swamped in confusion."

"I'll thank you all to respect my life choices." Jasper raised his voice and spoke solemnly. "Confusion is my escape from the guilt of death on my conscience and the prospect of eternity spent in malls. Just please remember, however bad it gets, I will never be as weird as Edward."

Esme looked broken-hearted. "Are we bad parents?" She whispered to Carlisle. He patted her shoulder. Emmett cleared his throat.

"And that brings us nicely on to our next topic of conversation. Edward, give us a break. You know we're all dying to hear how your counselling session went."

Edward's face became haggard and he seemed to age years. He almost looked old enough to buy an alcoholic beverage.

"I can't." He sounded like a broken man. "It's too soon. I can't. Maybe - " He choked a little. "Maybe in the next chapter." With that, he crawled back under the table and hunched into a ball. Bella looked like she was trying to figure something out.

"What did he mean, next chapter?"

**Hey again! Raise your hand if you want to kill me now! Great! Okay, here's a sneak peek at the next chapter:**

_"That's right, Cullens! 'Tis I, Jacob Black! I have stalked you all the way from Washington!" He laughed evilly. Alice felt upstaged, but was too shocked to say anything._

_"Nooooo!" Bella shrieked, then collapsed to the floor dramatically. Edward knelt down to whisper in her ear._

_ "Erm, Bella? Vampires can't faint." _

_She clambered to her feet with a conspicuous lack of anything resembling dignity._

**Ohhhh. Wonder how that happens? Well, I don't, 'cause I know, but I'm sure you do.**

** Do please review, it means ever so much to me. Oh, and before I forget, mrsc. posted the first chapter of what will be a hilarious fic, if any Glee fans want to check it out. It's called "The Five Reasons."**


	9. Chapter 9

**I apologise a thousand times for my tardiness. Really sincerely. Picture the sincerity.**

Jasper peeked in the door of his and Alice's bedroom. Though that was maybe the wrong word, as the bed had been tossed over the balcony to make space for the colossal web of flipcharts, whiteboards, diagrams and five-point plans. Alice had taken to calling the place "The Lair of Ultimate Evil."

It was horrifying. It was astonishing. For Jasper, it was mainly worrying. His wife stood on the bare inch of uncovered floor in the centre of the room, manically sketching and muttering to herself. He called tentatively over to her.

"Alice, honey? Can I come in?"

Her head snapped up from her plotting, and she looked into the future for a split-second before shaking her head. "You have nothing useful to contribute. Leave my presence."

Jasper hovered in the doorway. He felt obliged to help her through this delirium, but there seemed to be nothing he could do. He had tried meddling with her emotions but had found this only lead to her happily plotting, or angrily plotting, or lovingly plotting. There was no emotion she could not plot her way through. He sighed.

Alice paused in her scheming and stared into thin air. "Jasper, I'm seeing..." Her voice trailed off. He dived through a pile of hand-drawn building plans. "Alice? Everyone! Something important is happening! Really this time!"

And then time passed. Twice.

Later that same day, Alice still sat like a marble statue on the floor of her room, staring into nothingness. Emmett waved a hand back and forth in front of her eyes hypnotically. He'd started doing this several hours ago, trying to catch her attention. For the last two of those hours, he'd just been doing it out of habit. Back, forth, back, forth, Rosalie smashes a baseball bat on Emmett's head, back, forth, back, forth.

"Alright, everyone, five hours and seven minutes. This is officially the longest vision Alice has ever had!" Carlisle announced excitedly. Jasper clapped twice, half-heartedly, then the applause fizzled out. Carlisle looked disappointed.

"I wonder what she's seeing?" Jasper murmured. "Something wonderful? Something terrible? Something terribly wonderful?"

"The Volturi?" Rose guessed. "Victoria?"

"She's dead, Rose." Emmett pointed out.

"Oh, right. Something else beginning with V?"

Carlisle looked delighted. "I spy with my little eye..."

Bella huffed. "If Edward were here, we'd know."

Jasper looked sympathetic. "He's still under the table?"

Esme stomped in the door and answered him. "Yep. I just tried telling him Bella jumped off a cliff again. He didn't so much as twitch."

Bella sighed, then returned her attention to Alice. "Maybe she's seeing something about Edward." She sounded hopeful. Rose gasped.

"Maybe he's going to run off with that quarterback and she's seeing a play-by-play of their whole sordid affair."

"Finnward forever!" Jasper cheered.

There came a deafening bellow from downstairs, and Edward finally emerged from his lair under the dining room table. He advanced menacingly on Jasper.

"Don't say it." He hissed like a vampire. "Never say that word."

Bella threw herself at him for a hug. "Edward! You've emerged!"

Everyone looked over at him in shock for a split-second, then Alice stole his thunder by awakening from her vision.

"I have foreseen..." She began ominously. Everyone settled into a comfortable position to wait out the theatrics. Jasper gasped helpfully.

"What have you foreseen. Alice?" He asked her.

"I saw all five of us, excepting Carlisle and Esme of course, walking down a hallway in McKinley High." She narrated. "We walked, until we reached the choir room door. Emmett opened the choir room door. We all walked into the choir room, and our expressions were...surprised." She fell ominously silent. Emmett looked proud to have gotten a specific mention. Esme and Carlisle exchanged a wide-eyed glance. Finally Esme asked the burning question.

"That's it?"

Alice nodded seriously. Esme raised her eyebrows. "Really? We spent five hours - "

" - and seven minutes." Her husband muttered.

" - watching you stare into space, and you give us walking down a corridor!"

"It was a long corridor!" Alice defended herself. Jasper nodded righteously beside her. Esme's eyebrows became, if possible, more incredulous. Edward cleared his throat. "Let's look at what we can learn from this." He reasoned. "At some point, we shall all go to the choir room and see something surprising." He paused. "That's all I got."

Rose gasped. "You don't think...could it be...Finnward, in the middle of their steamy, passionate affair?"

"Finnward." Jasper cheered really quietly. Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, the ultimate gesture of fury. "I was walking down the hallway with the rest of you."

"Oh yeah," Rose frowned. "Unless...that was an imposter!"

Emmett peered intently at his wife. "Why are you so hung up on Finnward being steamy and passionate?"

She examined her shoes carefully. Alice pursed her lips. "Wait a minute. The Finnward theory has some merit."

Edward gaped at her. "What the...Alice, why would anyone impersonate me?"

"Halloween." Emmett suggested.

"A fan convention." Bella added, then looked guilty. "Not that I go to those. Don't worry Edward, I would never write smutty Fanfiction about us."

"What?" Edward looked confused."Fanfiction?"

"No-one would impersonate Edward," Jasper objected. His younger brother smiled at him.

"The voice of reason." Edward declared. "Thank you for that, Jasper."

"It was probably a different nerd, who everyone thought was Edward." Jasper elaborated. Edward was being driven insane. "I'm not a nerd!"

Rosalie leaned over to whisper to Esme. "He hasn't denied the steamy Finnward passion."

"I deny the steamy Finnward passion!" Edward yelled.

Rose hmmmed. "I'm not convinced."

Alice stood up, and began herding everyone out of the room. Esme gave her an indignant look. "What are you doing?"

"There's going to be a breakthrough in the search for Frankie," She explained. "But Jazz and I are the only people in the room when it happens."

She got several odd looks.

"Who's Frankie?" Bella muttered on the way out. Rose patted her head.

"You are quite slow, aren't you, dear?"

The Cullens, minus Jasper and Alice, filed out of the room obligingly. Then Alice and Jasper stood there awkwardly, in anticipation and exasperation respectively.

"Siri!" Alice shrieked suddenly. Her iPhone woke somewhere in the room.

"Yes, O Grand and Magnificent Alice, Mistress of Fashion and More Passionate than Bratz Dolls?"

Jasper looked wounded. "I thought I was the only one allowed call you that!"

Alice ignored him. "Siri! Find Kurt Hummel's address!"

"Yes, Oh Grand and Magnificent - "

"Skip the titles! This is an emergency!"

Siri thought hard for a minute, then asked. "Shall I download a map?"

"Yes! Yes!" Alice screamed delightedly.

Downstairs, Emmett paused and looked up at the ceiling. "What do you think they're doing?" He asked Rose.

"Downloading Map." Siri informed Alice. Jasper frowned in confusion.

"Alice, I don't think Siri can find personal addresses."

"Siri can do anything." Alice told him. "Isn't that right, Siri?"

"Oh yes, O Grand and Magnificent Alice, Mistress of Fashion and More Passionate than Bratz Dolls." It said in its smug little voice. Jasper glared. Alice grabbed her iPhone, shoved it into a sequinned purse, grabbed Jasper's hand and ran for the Porsche.

Kurt Hummel slept uneasily on his bed, his unconscious mind plagued by visions of ungodly poetry and fairies.

"No, Tinkerbell." He murmured. "Don't take my beret. I'll hurt you, you winged freak."

A stealthily canary yellow Porsche idled outside. Jasper wished they'd chosen a different car. Alice was peering at the house through Rosalie's binoculars.

"Alright." She said. "I can't see anything, but...that could be because I don't know how to turn these on."

Jasper sighed. "Do you want a balaclava?"

She wrinkled her nose.

"I didn't think so." He looked over at the Hummel-Hudson house. "We'll be burgling like the professionals then."

He cast a sideways glance at his wife. "Wearing cocktail dresses and stilettos."

"Be glad you're not wearing a cocktail dress." She chirped. "Remember that time in '69..."

Jasper felt his tension levels drop as she mocked him. She seemed to return to her old self the closer they got to the beret. Just one little illegal action, and he would be back to a normal marriage. He could have his Ali-issie back and would be rid of Al-Lex Luther, hopefully for the rest of eternity. Utilising his vampire hearing, he located Kurt Hummel's bedroom on the far side of the house. Major Whitlock had been debriefed. He knew this was the most likely location of the beret. The snores and sleep-talk were unmistakable.

"My God, Finn, stop. There are children, for pity's sake, enough about Edward's sculpted muscles."

Remarkably coherent for sleep-talk, Jasper thought. When Bella was human, she would mumble about fridge magnets and glitter. Edward used to take notes. There were probably still several notepads hidden around the Cullen mansion.

He zeroed in on the red zone, Alice close on his heels. They sneaked soundlessly through the window and surveyed the messy room.

"It's here." Alice hissed. "I can smell it. I know that scent. It's like a drug to me. Like..."

She searched for a simile. "Like my own personal brand of heroin."

Jasper cocked an eyebrow. "You spend to much time with Edward. It's not healthy."

They set about finding the beret.

Kurt woke slowly, drifting for a while between sleep and wakefulness. He could hear whispering voices on the edge of his mind, but he paid them no attention.

"This is madness." One hissed. "We're vampires, with a collective age of over four hundred. We can see the future and manipulate emotions. How can one stupid human teenager have hidden a beret so we can't steal it?"

"Maybe it's not here." A second voice offered hesitantly.

There was a vicious, animalistic snarling. "Of course it's here! You're not looking hard enough!"

"Sorry, love." Voice two was subdued.

Vampires, Kurt thought idly. There are vampires in my room, stealing from my hat collection. What did I eat last night?

Gleeful shrieking doused him like cold water.

"It's here! My darling precious sweetie-cakes! Let's go, Jazz! Oh, Frankie!"

Kurt woke and stumbled out of bed, looking out the window to see a yellow Porsche speeding down the street.

By the time morning came, Kurt was a sniffling wreck wrapped in a woollen Dior coat.

"I know what I heard!" He said hoarsely. "I know what I saw. Blaine, the Cullens..." He glanced at Finn, who was happily doodling 'Mrs. Finn Cullen' on his Spanish books in the backseat, and dropped his voice. "The Cullens are vampires!"

Blaine looked at him sleepily and nodded. "Normally, I wouldn't consider this kind of insanity, but our coffee machine broke down this morning, so my mind is open to all weirdness, great and small. Did you know Brittany once knew an Irish exchange student who was a leprechaun?"

"That's ridiculous." Kurt sniffed.

"Says the man who claims his step-brother's crush is a vampire?" Blaine asked dryly, pulling into the parking lot.

Kurt scowled. "It's true! I'll prove it to you, if it's the last thing I do!" He vowed.

"How dramatic." Blaine commented. They all got out of the car. Kurt's response was drowned out by Rachel Berry's terrified screams. The McKinley High student turned as one to see her cowering in the path of an oncoming van.

"She'll be crushed!" Kurt gasped.

"Look!" Finn exclaimed. "Edward!"

"Not now, Finn." Blaine told him. "Rachel's about to die. We'll all look at Edward later."

"No, Edward's going to save her!" Finn answered.

Kurt followed Finn's gaze and his jaw dropped. "He's right!"

The three boys had excellent vantage as Edward Cullen moved faster than their eyes could send electrical impulses to their brains and lifted a van with one hand, thus saving Rachel Berry's life.

Blaine was at a loss. "He...he's a..."

Kurt looked smug. "Hey, it wasn't the last thing I did."

"Bella?" Edward asked nervously. "Are you still angry with me?"

Bella only flipped her hair in response. She had stormed away from the scene of the almost-accident today and had been refusing to speak to Edward. The tension was making lunch at the Cullen table very uncomfortable. Only Alice was impervious. Nothing could cast a pall on her joy at being reunited with Frankie. Rose cleared her throat.

"So..." She said. "Is..um..Rachel...going to tell anyone the secret? Did anybody ask?"

Edward glanced at Bella. "Oh, she bought the whole, you know, adrenaline rush thing."

Bella snorted contemptuously. "Idiot."

Edward hastened to agree. "Completely. The stupidest individual I've ever had the misfortune to come across, in all my decades on the planet. Alone and lonely. Until, I found my soulmate, my other half, my wonderful, beautiful, talented, amazing Bella, the brightest star - no, the only bright star - in my universe."

Bella's frosty demeanour thawed minutely. Edward directed his dazzling golden eyes at her and she pointedly put on sunglasses. Emmett shuffled his feet. Jasper coughed slightly. Rose tapped her fingernails on the tabletop.

"Edward?" The girl's voice was soft, hesitant and unmistakably adoring. Rachel Berry didn't understand Edward's frantic 'No, no, you're going to get me killed' signals. She was too busy staring lovingly into his eyes.

"I wanted to thank you. You saved my life today. If there's ever anything I can do for you.." She drifted off, her brown eyes wide and starstruck. "Anything...ever..."

Bella broke off a chunk of the table. Edward winced in fear. "Leave." He said swiftly.

Rachel faltered. "What?"

"There is something you can do for me."

She leaned forward to breathe in his intoxicating scent. "Anything."

He leaned back, appearing slightly creeped. "Please leave me alone."

Hurt flashed across her face for a split-second, but then she looked understanding and conspiratorial. "Okay." She said, glancing over at Bella. "I'll...go."

She floated back across the cafeteria. Tina looked at her knowingly. "How'd that go?"

She sighed romantically. "Wonderful. Just...wonderful."

Tina's brow creased. "Okay, that was not how I read the body language at all. I think he was really uncomfortable, and I think that brunette wanted to kill you and dance around your grave cackling."

"No, no, Tina." Rachel corrected. "We have to keep our love a secret. We can't be together openly, because..." She sighed again. "I'm not actually sure. He didn't tell me exactly."

"But he told you the rest of it?"

"Well.." Rachel smiled to herself. "Not out loud. But...our love transcends spoken words."

Tina nodded, understanding perfectly. From across the cafeteria, there was a banging that could either be interpreted as Edward knocking his head against the table in frustration, or Bella slamming Edward's head into the table in rage.

Conspicuously absent from the cafeteria was possibly the greatest couple in the history of McKinley High. They were not in the cafeteria, because they were in a cupboard. And before any perverts jump to any conclusions, they were in a cupboard, so as to come up with a plan to defend themselves against vampires.

"I'm so afraid," Blaine whimpered.

"Calm down," Kurt said, looking terrified. "If they wanted to suck our blood, they would have done it before now. I mean, he saved Rachel's life. That must mean they won't hurt us." A thought struck him and he looked horrified. "Or that they want to draw out our agony."

Blaine shivered with fear.

"No. No. They haven't hurt us yet." Kurt tried to convince himself.

"They're waiting for the right moment to strike!" Blaine shrieked. Kurt slapped him.

"Would you get a hold of yourself, man!"

Blaine took deep breaths.

"Alright," Kurt said. "Clearly, they are vampires." Blaine shuddered at the word. Kurt ignored him. "However, this does not make us entirely defenceless. Popular culture equips us with the knowledge of how to fight them."

"We rob a church." Blaine agreed. "Finally, the years of raiding malls come in handy."

Kurt nodded purposefully. "Now, we can simply protect ourselves and hope they don't attack us. Or, we can make use of the nest of vampires living down the road from us."

There was a pause. "I'm not following you." Blaine confessed.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "We lead Vocal Adrenaline into their demonic clutches, and hope they eat them. We use this Satan-given opportunity to rid ourselves of our foes."

Blaine looked nervous. "We just...kill them?"

"That's the beauty of it! We won't have to kill anyone! The vampires will kill them."

Blaine opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it. Then he opened his mouth again.

"Kurt...it's just a show choir competition."

A vein pulsed in Kurt's forehead. His eyes narrowed. "Just a show choir competition? Just..."

Blaine revised his opinion hastily. "Let's feed our competitors to mythological monsters! Yeah!"

Kurt smiled and opened the door to leave, then paused. "This is why everyone's in love with Edward! He's like, a sucubus!"

Blaine frowned. "Isn't that a female thing?"

Kurt thought about it. "You're right. How about seductress? Is that better?"

Blaine tried it out. "Edward Cullen: Seductress. Yeah, that works."

Alice waited patiently at the foot of the stairs, Jasper by her side. Her eyes were shut and she wore a serene expression. She received extremely odd looks from passers-by. One kid thought about poking her, but Jasper peered intimidatingly over her shoulder. Rose and Emmett milled over, Rose wearing military goggles with some kind of scanning device and Emmett wearing a fedora tilted at a fetching angle.

"We got your text, Alice." Emmett said, waving his cell phone at her. She held up her right index finger. He frowned at it.

"She will explain in due time," Jasper supplied. Rose nodded stiffly and Emmett shrugged and began whistling 'The Wonderful Wizard of Oz'. Rose looked exasperated behind her unflattering goggles. Bella stomped over with a scowl etched on her face and Edward trailed meekly behind her, at a safe distance.

"What's going on, Alice?" She demanded. Alice held up her finger. Bella's eyes narrowed.

"Alice, I have been looking for an excuse to pick a fight all day..."

"It is time." Alice proclaimed hastily. Jasper took his cue.

"Time for what, Alice?" He chorused.

"Time..." She took a deep breath. "For us all to walk down the hallway, hand-in-hand."

Everyone looked shocked and awed.

"Are we ready for this?" Emmett asked.

"Only one way to find out." Rose said bravely, and took his hand. Edward held his hand out to Bella optimistically.

"No hand-holding." She decreed.

"I knew you'd say that." Alice muttered.

So they all walked down the hallway. And Emmett opened the choir room door. They all looked warily at the doorway.

"In case this is it," Jasper whispered. "I've always loved you, Alice."

She hugged him. "I feel the same way. Except about you. But you already knew that, my wonderful empath vampire/Confederate soldier."

Rose pulled her goggles off and dramatically tossed them aside so she could kiss Emmett. It was a moment from every Indiana Jones, or James Bond movie ever made. Somewhere, there was dramatic music. Tina and Mike edged past them to get into the choir room.

Bella took Edward's hand and he smiled at her gratefully and lovingly.

"Bella," He said softly. "Please read my speech on page 514 of New Moon."

She gasped and blinked back tears. "Ditto, Edward."

Then the vampires faced their fears and walked through the door. They looked up, and were collectively surprised to see a face from their past looking back at them.

"That's right, Cullens! 'Tis I, Jacob Black! I have stalked you all the way from Washington!" He laughed evilly. Alice felt upstaged, but was too shocked to say anything.

"Nooooo!" Bella shrieked, then collapsed to the floor dramatically. Edward knelt down to whisper in her ear.

"Erm, Bella? Vampires can't faint."

She clambered to her feet with a conspicuous lack of anything resembling dignity.

"But..why are you here?" Emmett had to ask. He was more confused than anything else. Emma Pillsbury coughed quietly and stuck her head out around Jacob's hulking figure.

"Well," she began. "Mr. Schue was out innocently shopping for vests the other day, when suddenly, out of the blue, he was struck down by a gang of hooded cheerleaders and their coach, an unidentified middle-aged white female, supposedly wearing a shapeless tracksuit."

The glee club stared in disbelief.

"He's in Lima General Hospital right now, but he'll be fine. Eventually. In the interim, Principal Figgins has arranged for Mr. Black to be his replacement. A big hand for Mr. Black, everyone!"

There was applause, most enthusiastic from Quinn. Edward glared furiously.

"Why aren't you applauding, Edward?" Jacob asked. "That's not very gracious."

Edward gritted his teeth and clapped twice, all the while scowling at Jacob, who grinned smugly.

Blaine broke the tension by getting up from his seat. Uncharacteristically, he and Kurt were both decked out in an array of rosaries and crucifixes on chains. Kurt was holding a sharpened wooden pencil close to his chest.

"So...we usually sing around here. Do you know any songs, Mr. Black?" Blaine hinted.

Jacob kept grinning and didn't break eye contact with Edward. "Nope."

There was a silence. "Why are you coaching a glee club?" Mercedes asked.

Quinn gracefully stood and crossed down to the piano. "I have a song, Mr. Black."

"Shoot." He told her, still squinting at Edward. Quinn launched into 'I Can Hear the Bells' from Hairspray, peeking hopefully at Jacob the entire time. He and Edward kept on staring at each other. So far, no one had blinked, but Jacob was sweating profusely and an experienced pro (read: Emmett and Jasper) could tell he was close to cracking.

"That was wonderful." Jacob managed to say. Quinn glowed. "Okay." Jacob croaked out. "You can all leave. Now."

Puzzled, the glee club filed out. Kurt and Blaine clutched their new jewellery tightly as they passed the vampires. The Cullens stayed in place, watching the epic showdown. Jacob folded and blinked. Edward laughed mockingly. Bella was as discreet as possible in handing Emmett money and thankfully her husband didn't notice.

"The treaty still holds." Jasper snarled at Jacob, who was rubbing his stinging eyes. "You can't tell anyone about us, and we will stay off Quileute lands."

Emmett sniggered a little at this last bit.

"That's not fair." Jake protested. "The Quileute lands are all the way over in Washington and the pack protects them. Plus, you already broke the treaty. You bit a human."

Bella became uncomfortable under scrutiny. "You broke it first! You told a human!"

The Cullens ranged themselves in a loose circle around Jacob. Emmett grinned.

"You're welcome to attack right about now." He invited.

Bella growled, dropping into a crouch and baring her teeth. It was spectacularly failed to intimidate. Edward looked embarrassed and angled himself to block her from view.

Jacob took in the five menacing vampires and Bella.

"Maybe a new treaty." He suggested. Rosalie smirked.

"Same rules as before." Edward said. "You tell no-one, we kill no-one. Our territory.." He considered. "Will be our home and the surrounding forest."

Jacob nodded. "My territory can be McKinley High."

"No." Alice cut in. "We attend school here. We were here first!" She whined a little on the last bit.

Jake conceded. "The choir room?"

"Yes! Done!" Bella seized her chance.

"Undone!" Emmett cried. "I love glee club! Show choir is my life!" He caught his wife's eye. "Show choir and Rose."

Jake was unnerved. "How about the teacher's lounge?" He negotiated.

The Cullens considered. "You can have the teacher's lounge." Jasper said finally. He held out his hand and Jacob shook it. It was a historic moment.

Rose was first out the door, followed by Emmett and Alice. Bella went to follow them, but Jacob caught her arm.

"Bella," he pleaded. "Hold on a sec. I..I still love you."

"Huh?" She asked pleasantly.

"I thought you'd be a soulless monster," he continued. "But you're the same Bells. I love you."

Confusion was slowly eroding from Bella's eyes, to be replaced by awkwardness.

"Leave the bloodsucker. Please, Bella, we'd be so great together. It'd be easy...something about sunshine..."

"Jake." Bella said urgently. "There is a genuine distraction behind you."

He turned round and she bolted. Edward and Jasper started laughing hysterically, sinking to their knees on the choir room floor. Jacob gathered the remnants of his dignity and strode out, tripping over the door frame. Edward and Jasper remained curled up on the floor laughing, until Sue arrived.

"What the hell are students still doing here at this time of night?!"

The laughter cut off abruptly and the vampires ran like frightened rabbits.

**Again, sorry. Truly.**

**Review if you laughed, even once.**

**Those who review will get a special extract from chapter ten. Just make sure you login to review, because I can't reply to guest reviews.**

**The extract is really, really special...**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey everyone. I'm sorry, honestly. I went through a period of being completely uninspired by this story. But I'm better now!**

** Anyway. I make no promises about when I shall next update. If this chapter has ten reviews I would feel obligated to update next weekend. The Klaine make-out is especially for you, Klainebowsandpercabeth. I hope it doesn't scare anyone off.**

Five people sat around a dinner table. One glared. One was nosy. One was brooding angrily. One was distinctly ill at ease. The last had a picture of Edward Cullen propped up against his glass.

That one was Finn. He was sighing melodramatically every once in a while. His stepbrother was scowling morosely at him from across the table. The loss of his beret was gnawing at him, and Finn's tragic romance was infuriating at the best of times. Blaine was nervously debating whether he should intercede, if a fight broke out (and he estimated Kurt's tolerance would break after about two more sighs). He didn't want to come off looking like a wimp, but the Hummel-Hudson boys could get vicious. Blaine was reasonably certain he was too talented and too sexy for the world to lose him like that.

Finn sighed emphatically. Twice. Blaine watched in horror as a vein in Kurt's eyebrow throbbed wrathfully. Kurt rose slowly and meaningfully to his feet.

"Try me, Finn." He hissed across the table. "Sigh like a Belieber one more time."

Finn met his stepbrother's eyes, tilted the Edward picture (which he had gotten from God knows, and no-one else really wanted to know, where) at a better angle and sighed very deliberately.

Kurt lunged. Blaine, Carole and Burt skidded back from the table as Kurt climbed onto Finn's back like a monkey and smashed his face into his bowl of stew. Finn took a handful of potatoes and began massaging them into Kurt's hair.

Blaine shuddered and touched his perfectly gelled locks for comfort. He had been right not to risk this. There was a pinging from the microwave oven and Carole strolled out of the kitchen with three bowls of popcorn. She gave one to Burt and one to Blaine. Blaine smiled, whispering his thanks. It was great how the Hummel-Hudson's always made him feel like part of the family.

After about an hour of entertaining brawling, Burt detached the two boys and sent them to their respective rooms. Blaine took that as his cue to say goodnight, which he did very graciously, like the gentleman he was. He was unlocking his car when he felt sharp pains on the back of his head.

"Ow, ow, ow, what...are those pebbles?"

"Yes." Kurt answered from the window of his room.

"Why are you throwing them at me?"

Kurt kept idling flicking pebbles as he explained. "Finn's been watching various renditions of Romeo and Juliet all week. This is how separated lovers communicate through upper-storey windows."

"No, it's not! The one outside throws the pebbles, so they make a noise on the glass and no-one gets hurt!" A pebble struck his face as he said this. "I think I'm bleeding."

"Blaine, honey, be honest with yourself. I throw the pebbles in this relationship."

Blaine looked a little sulky. "You've got my attention! Stop the pebbles!"

Kurt acquiesced. "Listen, I have a plan. But it requires me sneaking out."

"Your parents..." Blaine worried.

Kurt made a dismissive motion. "They won't notice. When they send us both to our rooms it means they want to have sex."

Blaine's face twisted in revulsion. "That's disgusting."

Kurt agreed. "Beyond disgusting. Giovanna Plowman-esque."

He swung his foot over the window ledge and began climbing down the wall. Blaine freaked out. "What are you doing? Oh my God, Kurt. Be careful. Be careful! Don't fall. Don't look down. But look where you're going. Slowly, go down slowly. Kurt!"

"Relax," Kurt drawled. "The brickwork on this house is ancient, there're heaps of footholds."

Blaine began to pace a narrow circle in fright, holding his arms out in front of him like a forklift. Kurt paused in his climbing and looked curious. "What do you think you are doing?"

"I'm going to catch you." Blaine declared. "If you fall."

Kurt looked down at his midget boyfriend's rigid pose. He decided to be tactful. "That's great, Blaine. I feel much safer now."

Blaine beamed.

After Kurt had completed the hazardous scaling of the wall, with much oohing and ahhing from Blaine, at least until Kurt told him to shut up, they were both buckling themselves into Blaine's mom's Volvo.

"Where are we going?" Blaine enquired from the driver's seat. Kurt looked ominous.

"I'll tell you later. First though, we need to pick up some supplies at your house."

Blaine frowned. "What kind of supplies?"

"I hope your mother likes Italian cookery." Was all Kurt would say.

The task of breaking into Blaine's house was more complicated than breaking out of Kurt's house, firstly because Blaine's parents were sitting in the front room watching David Attenborough explain the mating habits of elephants and secondly, because they owned a terrible, furious, slavering, rabid beast of a dog.

"Kurt, Chichi has never hurt anyone, in all the years I've known her. Plus, she's old now, we've had her since she was a puppy. She's too arthritic to chase these days."

Kurt refused to move an inch closer to the demon. "Look at those teeth, Blaine! Look at those canines! Those are the teeth of a predator! She may look sweet to you, but she's built to rip and tear at your flesh!"

Chichi looked meekly up at them. Blaine sighed, scooped the tiny miniature poodle into his arms and deposited her in another room.

"Will you come in now?" He asked his quivering boyfriend. Kurt gathered the pale remnants of his dignity and stepped manfully across the threshold.

"Well done." Blaine said sarcastically. Kurt moved swiftly onwards towards the kitchen. Blaine followed.

"What are we doing here anyway?" Blaine enquired.

"We're arming ourselves," Kurt replied. "We're defending ourselves against our enemy."

He began pulling whole cloves of garlic out of the fridge.

"Our enemy?" Blaine faltered. "You mean...the vampires?"

Kurt nodded grimly, his pockets bulging with vegetables. Blaine gasped.

"We're going to their house! This is insane! This is suicide!"

"Man up!" Kurt snapped, then flinched as Chichi scampered in the door to her pink, cushioned bed. "We have to know more about them if we're going to use them as a weapon against Vocal Adrenaline. And, well, if we happened to rescue Lola while we were there..."

Blaine frowned. "Lola? They kidnapped someone?"

Kurt nodded. "A wonderful, beautiful, rust-orange camouflage someone."

"You named the friggin' beret?!"

Outside, a dark figure lurked beside the Volvo.

"Well, well, well." It mumbled to itself. "They're plotting against the Cullens, are they? It appears we have goals in common."

It then began to cackle uproariously. It's large frame shook with giggles. Then it suddenly fell silent, and blended into the darkness. Kurt and Blaine hurried out of the house, newly weighed down with heavy bags of 'equipment'.

"I can't believe you have no religious artefacts in your house. Not one poxy crucifix."

"We're atheists." Blaine excused himself. "What can I say?"

"Anyway, there's got to be a church in Lima somewhere, right?"

"Of course," Blaine agreed. "We'll just go there."

They loaded the bags into the boot, then settled into the front seats. There was a pause.

"I don't know any churches."

"Me neither. Siri!"

Siri blinked into life. "Mr. Anderson?"

Kurt snickered. "You're so pretentious."

"Hello, High Lord Kurt."

"Hey," He mumbled. Blaine regretfully bypassed the opportunity to mock and got straight to the important stuff.

"Siri, where's the nearest church?"

Kurt interjected. "And if it could be on the route to the Cullen Mansion, that would be helpful."

Siri was silent for a moment. "The Church of Saint Marcus is located directly on the route to the Cullen Mansion."

"Fantastic," Blaine said. "Plot a course, babe."

Kurt looked at him. "Did you have coffee? You're very mellow all of a sudden."

Blaine gave an easy shrug. "Siri just brings it out in me."

Kurt discreetly glared at the iPhone.

The navy Volvo sped off into the night. Unbeknownst to it's passengers, it was carefully tailed by a dark and mysterious creature that wasn't human at all. The creature lost the car in traffic at one point, but managed to trace it to the Church of Saint Marcus.

A priest stood in the side doorway and met the creature's eyes. It tilted its head. The priest observed it for another moment, before there was an obnoxious banging on the main doors. He went to answer it and edged the wooden door open to reveal to teenage boys looking expectantly up at him.

"Finally." The taller one said, shouldering past him. "Why'd it take so long to get the door?"

"We were at prayer," the priest answered, his thoughts still occupied with the monster outside. The shorter boy crept in quietly and blessed himself correctly at the font. The priest glanced at him approvingly. Modern teenagers normally just splashed the stuff like toddlers playing in a pool.

"We need religious artefacts," The taller boy said quickly. "Crosses, crucifixes, holy water, figurines, anything."

The priest looked up sharply. "Whatever for?"

"A project." The tall boy answered, at the same time the shorter boy blurted: "Vampires."

Aha. The priest leaned forward, and sure enough, there was a faint whiff of garlic coming from both boys. He drew himself up to his full height and brushed down his impressive robes.

"You have come to the right place, young slayers of the undead."

Neither looked awed. Both, in fact, looked creeped out. The priest swore he saw the taller boy backing away slowly. Undeterred, he plunged into his speech.

"In this church, we carry on the tradition of Saint Marcus, he who drove all vampires from Volterra."

He cleared his throat, and Kurt began desperately scanning for an exit.

"Many of this modern world have forgotten the danger. But we, the followers of Saint Marcus, remember. We know the signs, we recognise the demons. We are ever vigilant, ever watchful. We bring the creatures to destruction."

"Is it suicide?" Kurt whimpered. The priest blinked.

"What?"

Kurt was nearly sobbing. "That's how you do it, isn't it? You destroy vampires with your deadly, boring sermons. You just keep talking at them until they can't see any other way out."

The priest was confused. "No...we - there are many ancient and verified practices and methods - "

"No!" Kurt wailed. "He's doing it to us!" He clung to Blaine's shirt. "Resist it, Blaine, resist."

"I'm resisting," Blaine assured him calmly, patting his shoulder. He looked up at the priest, made an amused face and shook his head slightly, as if to say, "What can you do, eh?"

The priest frowned in befuddlement. "I'll just go get you some artefacts, then..."

"Good man." Blaine said cheerily. Kurt slowly sobered. "Is he gone?"

"Yep." Blaine told him. "Nice impression of a lunatic, by the way."

"Yes." Kurt agreed, nervously laughing. "An impression."

The priest returned, staggering under the weight of a wooden chest. "These are the greatest of our vampire-hunting weapons."

"Yeah, would you just put them in the boot for us?" Blaine told him, unlocking the Volvo. The priest awkwardly stumbled out to the boot, with Kurt and Blaine strolling behind him. The boys watched as he struggled to support the chest with his left foot as he opened the boot.

"Thanks." Kurt commented. The priest nodded, his face tomato-red with exertion.

"Where is...the abode of...the dread...creatures?" He asked them as he bent over to rest his hands on his knees, panting heavily.

"What?" Kurt frowned. "Oh, Cullen Mansion."

The priest started slightly. His cheeks became a little less ruddy. "Well, then,"

He extended a hand for the boys to shake.

"May God be with you in your sacred quest." Blaine shook the hand enthusiastically, then Kurt shook it with far less enthusiasm.

"Oh, we don't believe in God." Blaine informed the priest.

"But don't worry," Kurt added. "We're buoyed up by our faith in a dwarf flying in a teapot, which lives in the other side of the moon and shoots lightning out of its boobs."

The priest didn't know how to respond to that, so he just kept smiling as he watched the teenagers drive off. Then he reached for his phone.

"Master? It's the Cullens. They've done it again."

Alice was not in a good mood, despite Frankie sitting on her head. She'd been content with life up until about twenty minutes ago when she'd suddenly shrieked and started damaging the furniture.

"It's gone! I can't see anything! The future just vanished!"

Jasper had rushed frantically to her side. "What is it? Alice!"

She'd kept screaming at the top of her lungs. Esme passed around earplugs.

"I can't seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eee!"

Edward held up a sheet of paper with the words:

Is it werewolves? One mutt specifically?

"I don't knooooooowwwwwwwwwww!" Alice replied. Bella grabbed the sheet of paper and screwed it into a ball. Edward looked at it. She threw it hard against his head and it bounced off, flying to the other side of the room.

"Don't you dare think a werewolf attack is going to get you out of trouble! I can't believe your behaviour!"

He looked exasperated. "Was I supposed to just let her die?!"

"Don't take that tone with me!" Bella yelled. "Does our love mean nothing to you?"

He gazed at her adoringly. "Bella, you are my life now."

She punched him and he fell over in shock. "Stop using that! I have that on a T-shirt! Get some new lines!"

He cautiously got to his feet, then thought better and fell to his knees. "Bella, I love you more than anything. I'll do anything to make you believe me."

She looked thoughtful. "Anything?"

"Kurt?" Blaine asked quietly. He wished he could retreat out of arms reach, but he was belted into his seat.

"Blaine." Kurt replied testily. A vein in his forehead started to throb threateningly. Blaine swallowed, his mouth dry with fear.

"Where...um, where are we going?"

Kurt's left eyelid twitched. "Cullen Mansion." He spat through gritted teeth.

Blaine winced, but he was committed to his path now. "We're in a, sort of a forest, Kurt." He pointed out sheepishly.

Kurt glared at him like it was his fault. "This is where Siri told us to go. Are you arguing with Siri?"

"No, no, not at all. I was just thinking...we're in a forest."

Kurt's grip on the steering wheel tightened violently. "Yes, we are."

Blaine held up his hands, so far into dangerous territory he was beyond fear. "And that's cool, man, that's cool. There're lots of trees and...other leafy things. Hey, you know what? There's probably spinach."

Blaine grinned happily. It was only then Kurt noted the coffee cup held securely in his hand.

"Blaine, why do you have coffee?"

Blaine pulled the cup close to his chest protectively. "I was nervous. I needed the support." He defended himself.

Kurt eyed the cup, wondering if he was close enough to snatch it. He didn't fancy his chances. Blaine and coffee were notoriously difficult to part.

"We've talked about the coffee, haven't we Blaine?"

"Yes," Blaine admitted sulkily.

"And we agreed it was a bad idea?"

Blaine became suddenly aggressive. "I need it, Kurt, I need it! It makes me so happy...you don't know how hard my life is! Coffee is the only thing I can depend on to keep me sane!"

"Coffee makes you insane." Kurt refuted. Blaine tried to shield the coffee with his own body.

"I never try to stop you shopping, do I?!"

"That's different." Kurt coloured slightly.

"The hell it is!"

"Blaine!"

"I'm sorry, I just feel very strongly about coffee."

"There's no need to swear. What would your mother say? She'd say: Blaine Ignatius Anderson, you do not deserve to wear that bow tie."

Blaine gasped, clinging to his bow tie. "You middle-named me!"

"I did! And so would your mother!"

"Don't you bring my Mommy into this!"

Siri interrupted the rapidly degenerating conversation. "High Lord Kurt, please turn immediately to your right."

Both boys turned to look at the dense wall of forest whipping past them.

"No way." Blaine declared.

"High Lord Kurt, please take an immediate right turn." Siri said in her most persuasive voice.

"She's wrong, Kurt." Blaine insisted. "There's no turn, she can't be right."

"I am Siri," Siri responded. "I am always right."

Kurt looked indecisive for a moment. "I'm with Siri." He said and swerved sharply to the right.

"Ahhhhhh!" Blaine screamed as the tree line came hurtling towards them. Siri's evil, robotic laughter filled the car. Kurt closed his eyes, and Blaine took his final sip of coffee. Then suddenly, he knew what to do.

He unlatched his seatbelt, then Kurt's, grabbed his boyfriend, flung the car door open, then made a James Bond-esque leap from the car. The two boys rolled safely to a stop on the forest floor, just as the Volvo smashed into a tree.

Blaine stared. "My mother is going to kill me with a stick."

Kurt looked up, his green eyes wide and awed. "You saved us. You saved my life."

"Well, yeah." Blaine shrugged modestly and ran a hand through his hair adorably. Kurt watched with his mouth slightly open for a moment before he pounced.

"Kurt!" Blaine gasped, before he was tackled to the ground and Kurt began kissing him passionately. Blaine's thoughts went kind of fuzzy. He was vaguely aware of cold, wet ground underneath him and Kurt's warm body above him and one of Kurt's hands fisted in his hair, pulling it just slightly too hard to be gentle and yet not enough to hurt. Kurt's other hand was gripping his thigh, and his hands were pressed to Kurt's shoulders. He slid his hand carefully along the muscles of Kurt's chest and down to his hard stomach. He felt Kurt's whole body tremble slightly and he couldn't help moaning against his lips. Kurt's hand inched up his leg.

"We have to stop," Blaine gasped, coming up for air. Kurt ignored him and started sucking softly on his neck.

"R-really, Kurt." He tried to remember where he was going with this. "This is a T-rated fic, and the author isn't sure of the boundaries of that. Plus, she's way out of her comfort zone with this romance/making out stuff. She wants to get back to the comedy."

Kurt pulled his mouth away from Blaine's and stared at him. "I have no idea what you just said."

"Me neither." Blaine confessed. "My brain goes fuzzy when you kiss me."

Kurt smirked as Blaine went and salvaged a bag of coffee from the wreck of the car. Then they both stood looking at each other for a minute, each secretly considering returning to the making out.

"We should probably get back to hunting vampires." Kurt said finally.

"Yeah." Blaine agreed. They both stayed looking at each other.

"We can always...hang out later." Kurt reasoned.

Blaine nodded. "I love...hanging out."

They both grinned and set off into the forest in a random direction, Blaine swigging his coffee.

******Two hours later*******

"My feet hurt," Kurt complained. Blaine collapsed to the ground, and started his ninth cup of coffee.

"Let's face it. We're in the middle of a forest, it's getting dark and the Vampire Mansion is nowhere to be seen."

Kurt sighed. "Let's just go back to the car."

"Agreed." Blaine said, standing up. They both headed off in different directions, then peered back at each other.

"Blaine? The car is this way."

"Actually, my friend, I think you'll find it's this way."

Kurt's smile became a little forced. "I'm afraid you're mistaken."

"No, you're thinking of you."

"Blaine!"

"Blaine!" Blaine mimicked.

"Oh, that's mature."

"Oh, that's mature."

"Just cut it out, Blaine."

"Just cut it out, Blaine."

"Raaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Raaa- that wasn't you, was it?" Blaine asked.

Kurt shook his head dumbly.

"No," Blaine rolled his eyes. "That was the grizzly, of course."

The grizzly nodded in agreement.

"Run!" Kurt yelled, grabbing Blaine's hand and racing off into the forest. The two ran for a half-minute before stopping to rest.

"Stitch." Kurt panted. "Did we lose him?"

"Well, I don't think he actually chased us." Blaine reached for his coffee, then froze. "Where's my coffee?"

Kurt looked around. The coffee was...gone. "Did you drop it, or something?"

"I'd never drop coffee." Blaine snarled, and he marched back in the direction they'd come, Kurt trailing behind him.

"Watch out, the grizzly is right there," Kurt hissed shuffling behind a tree. Blaine stayed rooted to the spot, his gaze locked on the bear.

"It has my coffee." He said in a strange voice. Kurt looked at him nervously. "Don't do anything hasty, Blaine."

A murderous light burned in Blaine's eyes. He started forward, towards the unsuspecting grizzly.

"Blaine!" Kurt rushed after him.

About twenty minutes later, Emmett and Jasper were returning from a hunting trip.

"Hey, Jazz." Emmett called. "Is this yours?"

Jasper appeared at his side, examining the probe form of the grizzly. "No. It's not even dead, anyway, it's just unconscious."

Emmett frowned down on it. "It's got some pretty serious injuries, too. This guy definitely came off worse in a fight."

"Wonder what it was fighting with?" Jasper asked quietly.

Emmett looked it over. "Something vicious."

"Yeah." Jasper leaned closer. "I could swear..."

"What?" Emmett looked closely at him.

"It's just..you remember those shoes Alice went mad about a few weeks back?"

"No." Emmett said honestly.

"Italian leather cowboy boots," Jasper said. "But nothing like actual cowboy boots, those things had heels and tassels."

Emmett pulled a face. Jasper nodded. "That's how I felt. But those marks and bruises on the bear look exactly like the boot prints."

Emmett looked at him. "You serious?"

Jasper nodded gravely. "I'm certain."

Emmett nearly busted a gut laughing. "Jazz, pal, you have been spending far too much time with your wife. Hallucinating about boot prints...next thing you know, I'll be wearing miniskirts and Edward will read trashy romance novels."

"He already does that." Jasper deflected. Emmett stopped laughing. "He does?"

"Yeah. He denies it, but he gets really excited every time Bella comes home with 'Sally and her Dark Prince' or whatever."

Emmett was subdued. "God. I...I think that's too terrible to even joke about."

Jasper shook his head. "To tell you the truth, Em, I'm starting to get desensitised to all the freaky stuff that happens around us."

Emmett patted Jasper's back. "Sad, but true. C'mon, let's get back. I don't wanna miss the werewolf attack."

"That rhymes." Jasper said thoughtfully.

"I have been considering trying my hand at songwriting lately." Emmett revealed. Jasper raised his eyebrows.

"Please, make sure I'm around when you tell Edward that. I really, really want to see his face."

The two took off in the direction of the house.

"I love you more than...Plath's poetry. I love you more than...Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"I still can't believe you watched that show." Bella interjected.

Edward kept listing. "I love you more than...Wicked:The Musical. I love you more than...Beethoven. I love you more than..."

"How long is she gonna make him do this for?" Rose muttered.

"It's been...what, four hours? Alice sees at least four more." Emmett answered.

Somewhere down the road, two disheveled boys climbed out of Blaine's mother's navy Volvo.

"Bella, I love you more than..." Edward took a deep breath. "The Volvo."

The boys began unloading all manner of weird equipment from the trunk of the car. There were several grappling hooks, two flashlights, numerous crucifixes, a penknife, three pens, a notepad, a camera...

Bella looked unimpressed. "It's not enough, Edward."

He was crestfallen. "What is enough? I'll say anything."

"And mean it?" Bella checked.

"I promise!" He vowed.

"Say you love me more than..."

A pepper spray, a bag of garlic, a water gun, a banana...

"What's the banana for?" Kurt asked, holding it up.

"In case they lock us in their basement," Blaine explained. "We could be trapped there for years on end, with no food and no water, on the edge of starvation."

"So you packed one banana?"

"Your piano."

There was much gasping. Everyone whirled round to look. Edward was tortured.

"More than Clarissa? I couldn't. She'd be so upset."

Alice snorted. "I can't believed you named it. It's a musical instrument."

Jasper looked at her. "Oh, really? What about Frankie, can he believe it?"

Two big sticks, a baseball bat, a white flag, walkie-talkies, a condom...

"I'm not even gonna ask." Kurt decided.

"It just went well with the banana." Blaine mumbled, shamefaced.


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Anonymous Reviewer,  
First of all, thank you for bringing my review count up. It's shallow and superficial, I know, but the little things do matter to me.  
Regarding the content of your review, you'll forgive me for taking none of it seriously. You opened by informing me you have "read better porn." I'm sorry, but if you're one of those people who sits alone at home with their cats, unemployed and unwashed, jerking off (to use the vernacular) to Edward and Bella's "sexy times" then...Your advice means so little to me, I'm not sure I can effectively communicate my disgust, notwithstanding my writing skills, which you eloquently dismissed as "shit". I feel I have to inform you, I have several inter-school literary awards here on my shelf which are just begging to differ with you.  
Still, I respect your opinion and am glad you wish to help me improve. Let me return the favour, with a list of the grammatical and spelling mistakes you made while telling me:  
"Try drafting before publishing and at least make the story look like you made an attempt and correcting any errors in it"  
1. I've, not Ive is an abbreviation of "I have".  
2. Pathetic excuse for a Doctor Who fic, not "of a Doctor Who fic".  
3. I'm, not Im. Unless you meant to say butter in Irish...which really doesn't fit the context.  
4. "Pice" is a former monetary unit of India and Pakistan. It is not a word that can be used to describe lettuce. Try "piece". You'll find people actually understand you.  
5. Didn't, not didnt. Please, use your apostrophes, for the good of humanity.  
6. When you ask a question, you must finish with a question mark.  
"What's that?" I hear you ask. Actually, as you would say: "whats that."

Well, in conclusion, thank you for your review. Generally, I would thank you by private messaging, but you guest-reviewed. Oh, and don't take offence. I only mean to improve your critical reviewing.  
Kind regards,  
Thinkingaboutnothing.


	12. Chapter 12

Deep in the dark under belly of the Cullen Mansion, one random spider was cautiously spinning a web, keeping watch for Esme and her duster. Slightly to the left of it, two teenage boys were tied to a swingball pole,using the swingball string as rope. These were Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson, professionally known as ... Klaine.

Blaine began loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme tune.

"Kurt" he hissed under his breath.

"What?" Kurt replied at a normal volume, his tone somewhat bored.

"Come in Kurt! Do you read me?"

"I'm talking to you, you unstoppable moron! I swear to a flying dwarf, if I wasn't tied to this pole, I'd kick your ass!"

There were a few minutes of sulky silence.  
"There's no reason to be hurtful," Blaine retorted finally.

Kurt attempted to make a dismissive gesture, but his hands were tied. "Yeah, whatever. Talk it out with Ms. Pillsbury on Monday."

"Maybe I will."

"If we're still alive on Monday ..." Kurt mumbled morosely. At this, Blaine resumed his humming.

"Would you cut that out!" Kurt screeched.

"Sorry." Blaine switched to 'The Great Escape'.

"What?" Kurt screamed eventually, "Is this your ridiculous way of saying you have an escape plan? Why can't you just come out and say it, Blaine."

"I have an escape plan." Blaine confided. Kurt sagged.

"Really?"

"Yes. Remember when the Cullen's dragged us down here?"

*Flashback (Alice and Jasper's Room)*

"It's too close." Kurt whimpered, stretching out his arms longingly. Blaine seized him.

"No Kurt! Look at the alarm system, they'd find us and suck our blood!"

"But-" Kurt began.

"No! We need to just get out of here alive, ASAP."

Kurt sighed, throwing Lola one last adoring look. Blaine patted his back, and led him away. They made it as far as the stairs before Blaine caught his foot on a tripwire and the security system wailed into life. Kurt barely had time to grab hold of his boyfriend before they were surrounded by vampires on all sides.

Blaine shrieked and ran to the right, only to be greeted by Rosalie. He backed up as fast as humanly possible and stumbled into a growling Emmet.

"Kurt ..." He sobbed in terror. Kurt petted his head.

"Stop scaring him!" He shouted bravely. Actually, his voice kind of cracked, but it was clearly meant to be brave, and that was the important thing.

"Well, well, well," came a deep, melodious voice. "What do we have here?"

The vampires parted to reveal Carlisle wearing his white coat, surgeons mask, and latex gloves. His eyes glinted madly. Kurt and Blaine went into hysterics.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! He's going to experiment on us!"

"He's going to dissect us!"

Carlisle frowned softly, "What in the world ...?"

"You're still wearing your work clothes, dear." Esme reminded him.

"Am I really? Bless me, so I am." He smiled apologetically to the humans. "You'll have to excuse me, I'll be back in two ticks. Would you mind bringing the guests down to the dining room, dear?"

"Dining room?" Kurt echoed weakly. "Don't eat us, please don't eat us. We're too young to die. We're - ahem, I meant I'm clever to die. We're too pretty!"

"You are pretty." Edward agreed as he helped escort them to the dining room. Then he noticed the meaningful look Bella, and frankly everyone else, was giving him.

"What? I'm not gay. I'm not! Can't a guy appreciate another guy's prettiness without being gay these days!"

Emmet was blunt. "No, he can't. I don't know when you've been living, Edward, but I don't think a guy could in any sort of day."

"In the early 1900s-" Edward began.

"Save it," Bella told him, "We've all seen Downton Abbey. We saw Thomas and that Duke."  
"Bella," Edward began exasperatedly, clearly beginning to rehash an old argument. "That is a skewed sample, even disregarding that it is a fictional soap opera. You can't say based on those two guys that every early 20th century man is gay. That's so illogical."  
"Four." Bella said. "Based on four guys."  
Edward's brow wrinkled. "Who else?"  
" ***** ". Alice chirped. "You can tell he's in denial."  
"Alright," Edward allowed. "But that's still only three."  
"Yeah, you make four." Bella said bluntly.  
"You do realise I'm your husband?" He asked her.  
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that, actually." She informed him.  
"Since when?!"  
"Since I found out rescue from an oncoming truck is something you do for all the girls!"  
"Two! Two girls!" He yelled, throwing his hands in the air.  
"How would you feel if I told you Jacob rescued me from a truck?" She demanded. He flinched visibly.  
"I would be completely fine with that." He lied through gritted teeth.  
"Please! You're lying through gritted teeth!"  
He made an effort to ungrit his teeth. "No, I'm not."  
"Jacob?" Kurt wondered. "Our new Glee coach?"  
Alice glared. "None of your business."  
"I love Downton Abbey." Blaine blurted randomly.  
"He's delirious." Kurt announced.  
Rosalie took offence. "There's nothing wrong with Downton Abbey."

"I'm not saying that, but -"

Edward sighed romantically. "I love Downton Abbey."

"I'm sure you do, but-"

Emmet sniffed. "Don't talk about Downton Abbey, guys. It's just too soon."

Bella scoffed. "You're still not over that?"

"Matthew and Mary were meant to be together!" Emmett yelled defensively.

"But did you hear now they're getting Lady Mary a new love interest?" Jasper asked.

"Not listening!" Emmet screamed. "Lalalalalala!" He took a deep breath then went soprano. "Laaaaaaaaa!"

"Here we are in the dining room then." Esme changed the subject, clearly trying to distract attention from her crazy family. As if the universe was trying to prevent this, Carlisle arrived, smiling warmly and dressed normally. Well, not dressed as a mad scientist, at least. He was still wearing a deerstalker, a waistcoat and most upsettingly, breeches.  
Kurt whimpered in utter agony. it just wasn't right. Alice growled lowly and began plotting her counter-attack. Esme donned a long-suffering expression and sat next to him at the head of the table.

"So!" he cried jovially, "Time to have a family meeting!"

He produced a small, tinkly silver bell. The rest of the vampires shuffled their feet in embarrassment.

"How many times have we told him to get rid of that?" Rosalie asked in despair. Carlisle ignored her.

"Welcome!" He beamed. "It's so lovely to have guests. Isn't it lovely children?"

There was some noncommittal murmuring.

"Are you from the school? Friends with the children?" Carlisle queried eagerly.

Kurt and Blaine looked at one another.

"By children," Kurt had to clarify, "Do you mean the bloodsucking lunatics from the early 1900s?"

Carlisle chuckled genially. "They tried to steal my beret, Daddy," Alice explained, glaring daggers at Kurt, "But in the end, the best fashionista won."

Kurt's expression turned ugly. "You little -"

Esme pinned him to his seat before he could lunge across the table. Carlisle seemed to notice the awkwardness.

"Shall I make tea?" He suggested, leaping to his feet.

"I'll get it, dear." Esme said, darting out the door.

"Thanks, darling." Carlisle called. He turned a beaming smile on the humans. "Don't you just love tea?"

Blaine spoke for the first time since Carlisle had entered. "I prefer coffee, actually."

Carlisle acted as if he hadn't heard that. "I love tea. I truly do. When I was human, I loved to drink tea. But now, I can't. So whenever I see humans, we all simply have to have some tea. Why, when Bella was human, we drank tea all the time, didn't we?"

Bella turned, if possible, a paler shade of bone-white. "I can't-" she said, and abruptly rushed from the room. Edward stood to follow her. "Sorry about that." He explained. "She doesn't like to talk about tea ... she suffers from PTSD."

"PTSD?" Kurt asked. "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?"

Edward left the room without another word, closely followed by Emmet and Rosalie. They passed Esme, as she wheeled a heavily-laden tea tray into the room. Kurt and Blaine stared in undisguised horror at the piles of china tea pots, tea cups, tea bags and tea leaves. There were even thin slices of lemon. Alice curled her lip at it as she and Jasper left.

"I hate you," she told Kurt, "But I'm not sadistic enough to watch this."

Carlisle clasped his hands together. "Now, what shall we begin with? Silly question, I know. You'll have the Earl Grey, with lemon. Earl Grey is beyond doubt the finest of teas. In my human days, I would drink it all the time. Breakfast time, lunch time, noon, mid-afternoon, lunch, tea-time-"

Kurt made a break for the door, but Esme nabbed him. His phone fell from his pocket, and she crushed it underfoot.  
*End Flashback*

"Of course I remember," Kurt said. "I don't think I'll ever forget Tea with Carlisle." He shuddered violently.

"The point is," Blaine said, "She crushed your phone."  
"Yeah?"  
"I've still got mine." Blaine pointed out, grinning wickedly.  
"Blaine ..." Kurt gasped, "We've been down here for three hours! How did it take you this long to think of your phone?!"  
Blaine winced at the volume. "Can we argue over that AFTER we've made our great escape?"  
"Fine," Kurt agreed, "Where is it?"  
"Front left pocket. I can't reach it."  
"I might be able to." Kurt said.

What followed was a lot of wriggling, squirming and "Ah! Kurt, let go of that!"

"I've got it!" Kurt held up Blaine's iPhone triumphantly. A chorus of of angels coughed, and gave a bored, half-hearted 'Hallelujah'.  
"Great!" Blaine exclaimed, shifting his weight off places he'd been pinched. "Now, quickly, call...call..."  
"Who can we call?" Kurt asked.  
"Let's think."  
They thought hard.  
"If we call someone we like, they might get eaten by vampires. So, logically, we must call someone we don't like." Kurt reasoned.  
"But...why would someone we don't like want to save us from vampires in the small hours of the morning?"  
"Stop giving me problems, Blaine! I need solutions! We're in the market for solutions here!"  
"Okay, okay. We need someone competent."  
"Yes."  
"Someone resourceful and intelligent. Someone tough. Someone who can take on a coven of vampires and not bat an eye. Someone like...like..."  
As if by a miracle, the phone rang. Hope blossomed in that dank, depressing basement like a bird...no, wait...a flower...I don't know. Something that blossoms. Hope blossomed, anyway.  
"Hello?" Kurt whispered reverently, holding it up to his ear.  
"Kurt?"  
Kurt slumped back into despair. "Finn."  
"Kurt! Hey, bro. I've been trying to get hold of you for ages."  
"Well. Here I am." Kurt said despondently, in the kind of tone that implied he seriously regretted this fact, possibly to a suicidal extent.  
"Yeah. So, Kurt, what is a good way for a man to declare his affections, to the object of said affections, in a dramatic, memorable and romantic way?"  
"Finn, are we talking about Edward again? Because, if so, I have recently stumbled across some information which indicates he might not be a good...uh, soulmate for you."  
"What?"  
"Yeah. Maybe you should find another soulmate, or something. You know, advertise a vacancy."  
"Kurt, soul mates are a unique and purely wonderful phenomenon which - "  
Kurt succumbed to protocol and loudly imitated snoring. Finn grudgingly took the hint.  
"Say we're talking about a random man and the random object of his affections. No one in particular, I'm just idly curious."  
"Do you think I'm stupid?" Kurt railed.  
"You may want to bear in mind, the aforementioned random man is parked outside the house of his random soulmate in a stolen Hostess truck." Finn added brightly.  
"Finn...Wait, what?"  
"Just take it into consideration." Finn said innocently.  
Kurt would have jumped up and down on the spot. He could have sung, he was that happy. He was free! He was like a bird, flying away into freedom.  
"Kurt?" Blaine interrupted. "I love 'Defying Gravity' as much as the next guy, but now's not really the moment."  
Kurt accepted that, and delayed the singing until further notice.  
"Okay, Finn." He started. "The best way for you - "  
"A random man!" He objected.  
"A random man, to declare his affections would be to..."  
"Yes?" Finn encouraged.  
"Break into the random soulmate's house, without being spotted..."  
"Yes, yes - what?"  
"Sneak into the basement..."  
"Really?" Finn was beginning to have his doubts about this plan.  
"And rescue your - I mean, his - brother from the basement and drive away in the Hostess truck." Kurt finished.  
"But, are you sure?" Finn hedged.  
"Absolutely sure." Kurt declared firmly.  
"This sounds a bit weird. Why would my - I mean, his - brother even be in the basement?"  
"Oh, it's the ultimate test of love," Kurt assured him. "If it weren't for that time Blaine rescued Cooper from our basement, we never would have got together." He added a lovesick sigh for good measure.  
"That makes sense, then." Finn decided. "Okay, I'm coming to get you!"  
"Great!" Kurt cheered.  
"So, he's coming?" Blaine asked. Kurt hung up the phone.  
"Yeah, he is."  
Blaine's emotional state improved marginally. "We'll be out of here soon!"  
"Yeah, right." Kurt scoffed. "The vampires will catch him before he makes it past the front porch."  
Blaine looked askance at him and he settled down to play Temple Run.


End file.
